Tuesday, March 30, 2010

All I Need Is To Be Left Alone...

Early this morning my daughter woke me up crying in pain... She has been cursed with extremely painful monthly bills.... She took a couple of Midol and I told I was sorry she did not feel good - I can definitely understand the pain - I too suffer something awful... I told her it will take about an hour for the medication to start working..... and I kissed her on the head and headed for bed... Dusty (the husband) stayed behind and asked her if she wanted him to rub her back and she said she did...

Many years ago I was very sick and in the hospital.... I had to start dialysis and a surgeon came into my room to put a shunt into my chest for the three time weekly procedures I was going to endure.. Dusty was in the room while I was having this minor surgery... The way Dusty shows love and concern is through touch... Dusty kept trying to rub my head during the procedure... I kept asking him to stop... You see, when I go through difficult and/or painful things - I need to go into myself... It's kind of hard to explain - the best way to describe it would be I don't want to talk, feel, listen, and see... I want my eyes closed and have my mind take me somewhere else... Does that make sense? This is the way I deal... and it drives Dusty completely insane... He wants to help me... and because Dusty is a touchy feely kind of guy it's difficult for him to understand that all I want.. all I need is to be left alone.....

My kid is much like Dusty - she is toucher/feeler... When she cries she reaches out to be held... This is her comfort.. When someone is sad - she is the first one there offering her shoulder... I wish I was more like that... I am a caregiver by nature but not much of a sympathizer... I deliver what is needed in my mind... And when my kid trips down the stairs for the tenth time because she's not paying attention - I know she's not hurt - she is just more scared... or frustrated... I don't run to her assistance every time she trips... Don't misunderstand me - when there is true pain - the noise made is different and I would be there is flash... I think moms know what I am saying.. Kind of like when our children were babies - we could tell the difference between the cries... same concept... and because I don't jump up every time - my kid has accused me of not caring.... I ask are you hurt? She replies no.. and then I ask her do you think I would go to you if you were really hurt? She said Yes... So how do you figure I don't care? Well I know the answer and the answer is I am not showing her - her way of love.... I do try to be more conscious of it.. but it can be difficult when your daughter has inherited your gift of being a major klutz...

People deal with pain... sadness in many different ways - and poor husband of mine - he so much wants to give me comfort... his way..... and just does not get the fact that I really just need to be left alone...


  1. I totally get this because my husband and I are just like this. I also want to be left alone, and he is trying to hold my hand, rub my back... He's trying to help, but it doesn't work!

  2. Great post! I am like you and my children are ALL like your hubby. I need alone time to "deal" with my pain and they need touch. It is amazing how GOD makes us all unique.
    Hope she feels better, soon.

  3. I'll never forget the time my youngest was hit in the face with the baseball at practice. I was sitting on the sidelines. I gasped. I clutched my hands together. I sat very still and kept my eyes on him. There was no blood. I DID NOT GO TO HIM. The coach was right there with him and had his arm around him. All the other players seemed to turn a blind eye.

    I figured it would humiliate him if I ran out there and did the Mummy thing, so I tried to "do the right thing" and let him be a man. He was about seven at the time.

    After practice, on the walk home, my darling son asked me if I had seen what happened to him. Yes, I did. Why didn't I come and help him, he asked? Groan.

    Can't win for loosing sometimes.

  4. I'm like you that when I'm sick, it's in one's best interest to leave me alone. It's not that I get upset with anyone but I know I don't respond the way they need me to. I don't do sick. Nonetheless, would it help if you offered your husband a suggestion of something else he could do for you to help? For example, maybe you need a cold cloth, kleenex, pillow fluff...anything to help him feel like he's helping.

  5. Our family dynamic is similar to yours. I don't want to be bothered when I am in pain and after 35 years, he has finally figured this out...... sort of. He will still call me on my cell when I am in bed trying to sleep off a headache to see how I am doing. His excuse? Says I will hear him if he enters the room to check on me. Can't win.

  6. Great post. It is hard to balance the dynamics of family that we have -- I fluctuate between wanting to be held and wanting to be alone, so no one ever knows what to do with me!

  7. Kelly,

    That is the truly unique thing about how God created us all to be different in the ways we deal with things. God brought you two together so that you could both have the best of both worlds. I think its great that you try and talk through these difficulties in your personalities and desires as many couples don't.

    I feel for you and your daughter. I just had surgery for a hysterectomy so now that chapter of agony for me is gone.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  8. One of my children is touchy feely and one is not. It is hard to balance the two of them sometimes.

  9. I'm the touchy feely type. I want to held, head rubbed, hand held, all of those wonderful things. The only exception was when I was in labor. Hubby isn't a touchy feely type and it drives me nuts. As for the sons, 2 are 2 aren't but only with the girlfriends not mom, they're too old for mom :o(

  10. I am hearing you! I like the hugs of affection and such, but when I'm in pain...nobody better touch me!

    I think its such a blessing that your daughter has that in common with her daddy. It's so important for girls to be close to their dads, isn't it?

    I'm so glad you stopped by the WEllspring because I just know I've found a new friend!

    Blessings and a precious Easter to you.

  11. How true that we all deal with pain and discomfort in our own ways. I would think that if you tell your husband your feelings, that he should understand and step back.

  12. Happy Friday follow.
    ~cindi :)

  13. Have you ever read the book ... 5 Love Languages? maybe just Love Languages?? It helped me realize that we all give AND receive Love differently! Brilliant ... makes for a lot less 'hurt feelings' when you understand someones love language!! =) they have one written for kids too... I should really read that one too! =)

  14. Isn't it sound like my husband and I am like yours!!

  15. I'm exactly the same way, and my husband is exactly like yours :-) I should have him read this...

  16. I go both ways on this---there are times when I want aloneness and other times a touch. I guess it just depends on the situation.

    It somes times causes problems when one person is touchy/feely and the other is not. My youngest son is very touchy feely and he does not feel loved if we don't hug him often!!! He is in his twenties!!



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