Somewhere in the past few months I made myself a victim instead of a loving mother. After several tough years - I decided that I just wanted to give up and throw in the towel. I began counting the days till she turned 18 and thought to myself - I would no longer be responsible for her.... If she can't be nice and respectful - there's the door.... During all these battles - I did not realize that I was responsible as well. I did not realize that when I did things for her throughout her life (so she would not fail) - I did not allow her to feel the victory of accomplishment.... I thought I was protecting her from heartache and disappointment. I helped to create a child.. a teenager... an almost adult who believed that she was self entitled to whatever she wanted... whenever she wanted.... As a parent - I did not teach her how to overcome her failures.. I did not allow her to figure out conclusions... I was right there doing it all - being a "good" parent - not realizing at the time - I was not being "good" for her.... I needed to support her during her challenges.. Not take them away....
I have learned a lot about mental illness in the past two years... I have learned that most therapists don't agree. I have learned that different treatment centers - treat differently. I have learned no one is on the same page... I've heard so many diagnoses that it makes my head spin... I can only imagine how this affects my daughter... Bi-polar - severe anxiety disorder - paranoid - severe depression - post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder - aspergers's. And the diagnoses keep going on and on and on. Try Abilify so you can get major tremors.... Okay try Lamictal so you can get a life threatening rash... Oops - okay Wellbutrin will work... it's the happy skinny pill - this one brought my kid to the ER on her first suicide attempt - Psych Ward 101. More drugs - high dose Prozac and Abilify - so much that my daughter could not hold a cup without spilling the drink everywhere... Back to ER to take her off the high doses... One psychiatrist would not let go of the Abilify.. Over the summer - more experts came in and Abilify went away and another took it's place... During the day she felt good at night she had major night terrors... Back to the drawing board.. Today - we are at Latuda, Lexipro, and Prazosin.. I heard some noises about possible change to Lithium....
My husband and I are somewhat straight laced boring people.. Our daughter is the polar opposite.. She loves her music - Screamo - Bands with titles like - Five Finger Death Punch.. Bullet For My Valentine - A bunch more that I never heard of.. She loves tattoos and can't wait to get as many as she can... She loves punk hair - shaved - blue - purple.. doesn't matter as long as it's different. She finds death interesting.. The occult interesting.. She is mad at God.. She afraid of the future.. She doesn't know where she belongs.. She doesn't want to be alive.. but she doesn't want to be dead... She wants to feel but then will take pills to not feel... She says she hates me but then comforts me when I break down....
We have started a newer treatment center a few weeks ago.. I have seen better results in some ways. The last center did not promote the clients to talk outside of group.. The leaders did not manage the kids and my girl would run away - one time it was so bad that she climbed to the top of their 4 story building planning to jump.. Which led to her 3rd time at the Psych hospital.. This of course was after several months of residential treatment and Outdoor therapeutic Camp... I'm going off topic. We are now at a newer treatment center. There is a lot going on - a lot required... Our daughter goes Monday - Friday - noon to 5. Then on Tuesday night there are meetings for the kids and the parents separately. Thursday night 6-9:30 PM is family group and on top of this - the kids have to go to three 12 step meetings a week and the parents as well to Al-Anon... This center encourages the kids to mingle. It encourages them to go to AA/NA meetings together.. They have sleepovers as longs as the therapist approves and there are no "newbies" together but long time recovery mentors and newbies.... My kid now has a sponsor she speaks with nightly... She has walked to two 12 step meeting on her own....
I have learned that I am not alone as a parent of a challenging kid... I have learned that I need to stop making her decisions for her... I have to have strong boundaries and expectations. I have learned it's okay if she has to sleep outside in a tent because she stole money and used... (No, I have not done this and hope not to) but I have that option. I don't have to be the victim... I choose to lose that role I have given myself.... I have realized that although I'm ultra conservative and boring - my kid is not.... I have learned that if she wants to shave her head so be it... If it makes her happy then I am happy... I need to let go of what others think and let me just accept and love the true gifts that my daughter does bring.... As I write this post - she has been happy and non-confrontational for two (2) days.. that's good.. This is a streak that I would love to continue...
Last night - She took a couple of "selfies" with my cell phone and posted them to my Facebook. At first I'm like Oh MY GOD.... When she posted the pictures - she said "Isn't my daughter beautiful?" In my mind - I'm thinking of course she is beautiful... but what would others think.. She thought it was a joke until over 30 likes and comments agreed that YES - she is beautiful... YES she's not boring and conservative like me.. But she's Nikki and she is Beautiful and most definitely NOT Boring!
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