Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Alpha Teenage Girl...

The other day I received a phone call from my teen.. She had half day at school because of finals and asked if she could go to the mall with a group of friends.... friends I did not know.. She assured me that a mom of one the girls was going with them... I told her I would go to the the school and meet the mom and girls and get the specifics - Where? How long? and Do I pick up? or Do they drop off? When I arrived at the school... the girls were gone....

My daughter sees me and walks to my car alone.. She has tears welling up in her eyes... I asked her what happened.. She said that a group of girls that she hangs out with from school was going to the mall - she asked if she could go... one of the girls said sure... I'm not sure exactly what really happened except one of the girls in the group (I call her the alpha girl) does not like Nikki (my kid) and convinced the others to go without her...

Nikki has no idea why this particular girl dislikes her so much - This particular girl isn't a nice girl.. but for whatever reason the other girls want to be her friend... they do what she says.. they take her abuse and come back for more.. My kid wants to be her friend... I asked her why.. and Nikki did not have an answer...

Thinking back to the days of old when I was a young teen - I remember there were kids that just had that personality that people gravitated too. There was no rhyme or reason... we just did. We looked up to those kids... their perfect lives.. their perfect everything and who cared if they were meaner than a rattle snake? We just wanted to be a part of their world...

Nikki finds it difficult to believe that I understand how she feels.. I've been in her shoes.... I think all teens at one point in their lives have walked in her shoes... It's the power struggle that happens when kids come into their own... It's the testing of boundaries and friendship... It's just plain hormones....

My advice to her was to put herself out there and invite friends over to our home... or a movie.... or shopping. Nikki is probably the kindest soul I know... She loves.. she loves completely... she gives herself.. She doesn't play the games that so many teens do.. She doesn't know how and I am thankful for that... But because she has a moral compass of right and wrong... it has prevented some teen friendships....

I know that Nikki will have a happy life just because she is an incredible person... She will have real friendships.. deep friendships.... While writing this post and thinking about my eldest.. I am reminded that I have been so lucky to be blessed by this kid.. She is always willing to lend a helping hand... give a hug and a kiss... watch a silly movie... and she was willing to dance the twist with me - to my dancing Santa music ornament... You got to love that....


  1. She sounds like a great kid. Those teen years are so difficult.

  2. I think you are right in the fact that this happens to most kids, especially girls. It happened to my girls too. It sure is hard though, and it's really hard when you're the mom. I'd like to say a thing or two to this girl! I bet that in the end, Nicki will turn out happier and a much nicer person than this girl!

  3. Kids..especially girls can be so cruel.

    I am amazed when my kids don't think I understand. It is as if I came over on the

    Blessings and hugs,

    PS: You have an award on arise 2 write.

  4. Acccck! Awkward teenage years! Girls, girls can be so dang mean!!!

    Your daughter sounds like she is a very well adjusted young girl and she realizes the important things in life.

    This is only a minor setback and she will learn from this social exercise!!!

  5. It may be a blessing in disguise. Who knows where this friendship could lead especially if Nikki has to prove herself and shoplift for example. Friends like those can convince her to do things she doesn't want to do no matter how much she doesn't want to do it. When my daughter when through something like this, it sure hurt. I convinced her to stand back and observe the goings on between the clique girls. She did. A month later and the "popular girl" opened up to my daughter and needless to say, she's discovering my daughter is someone she can open up to and be safe and someone she doesn't have to prove herself to either.

  6. Great story. Thanks for sharing it. Your daughter sounds like an amazing person.

    I taught in a school for kids who had exhausted all their public school options. These kids had been rejected over and over again. Some of them were desperate for a friend, any friend. For a few years there was an alpha male who could prevent certain kids from being friends with other kids. I'm still puzzled and saddened by how this dynamic develops and is sustained over time in so many different situations.

  7. Since the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of schools, peer pressure and the need to fit in has reared it's ugly head. And there has and always will be that one person, that one personality, that everyone gravitates to and wants to be accepted by. Those people love the power they have and sometimes use it to be ugly. If they don't like someone, then no one else is allowed to like them either.

    Nikki sounds like a great person herself, and hopefully you can help her see that she doesn't need that other person to be happy. Help her see that she can form her own friendships, and before she knows it, that other person will be seeking her out.

  8. Nikki sounds like a wonderful young lady. I am sorry to hear that girl was so cruel. Hopefully everything will work out over time.

  9. My 13 year old has been having the same problems. The mean girls that run the groups don't care for Linds...and she has such a big and kind heart. I have told her she just needs to expand her circle of friends who are not influenced by the mean girls. Good luck.

  10. It's hard when your kids are hurting.

  11. Awww. Girls can be SO mean.
    I can totally relate to this and it has been 20+ years since I was in high school.

    I tell my daughter ALL THE TIME to be her own person and if anyone has a problem with that. Tough cookies.

    It sounds like you are raising one great girl.
    As I hope am I.




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