Saturday, February 6, 2010

This My Deathbed

I started smoking when I was 12 years old - I would steal my parents cigarettes and smoke them in my bedroom - it was hard to tell I smoked due to the fact both of my parents were very heavy smokers and the house was in a constant cloud.... As I got older the cigarette intake increased... By the time I hit forty (40) years old - I was smoking two (2) packs a day - I was constantly trying to hide the fact that I was smoking from my husband.... from everyone.... I had an addiction and I would almost do anything to continue it.... Even watching my dad die from the effects of smoking did not affect me... He had his flippin tongue cut out due to cancer - he had a trache and could never eat or drink food again and I still continued to inhale away until.....

I had a cyst in my mouth that had to be removed - I went to an oral surgeon and I was having my blood pressure monitored... My pressure was so very high - the doctor thought I could stroke out... No lie.. It was over 200 on the top number and over 100 on the bottom - the normal is 120/80... That was the kick in the head I needed.. I came home - picked up the pack of cigs I had just bought - broke them up into tiny little pieces - knowing that if I did not I would dig through the trash to unearth them - coffee grounds and all... I fell down onto my knees and I prayed... Prayed to God to take this addiction from me so that I can live my for my girls... I need to be here for my kids because no one could love them the way I do.... I remember crying while praying - I had never in my life just thrown myself on God like that... I was at the bottom and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I could NOT do it alone

My want was gone - I gained about 50 pounds but you know what - that's okay. My cravings for a smoke are gone..... I don't even think about it... I do see a change of habits though. I no longer talk on the phone like I used to - smoking and talking went hand in hand. I talk on my cell while I'm driving (I have an ear piece) instead of smoking.... I don't read as many books as I did before either and you know what - that's okay too. I know that I will be here for my girls and that is all that matters to me....

This song is a story about an addiction - it's a sad story and song - let me know what you think... I really believe it will touch you.


  1. I haven't watched the video yet, but I'm going to come back and look at it. I wanted to take a second to thank you for writing this, and tell you that I watched my grandmother suffer from emphysema -- she smoked for 40+ years. I praise God that He helped you end the addiction, and that you will be healthy for your girls. And their kids.

  2. BTDT several times. I once quit for seven years. The last time I used Chantix and it was a miracle drug for me.

    Good for you!

  3. I have seen so many of my family die from addiction. Smoking, drugs, alcohol, food...

    what a hauntingly beautiful song

  4. OH I am rejoicing with you that the Lord has given you the power to quit! What a huge huge blessing! Your girls definitely desirve to have their Mommy healthy!

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know it´s probably not the easiest story to tell, but Lord willing it will help many others.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog too!

    Dani Joy

  5. I've never heard that song before, but it is very touching. I've never smoked, but I struggle with my weight, which I think is also an addiction.

  6. Congrads to you for stop smoking!!!!!
    Yes I smoked too, way back in college. I smoked as a way to stay awake while pulling all nighters. I stopped smoking when I was pregnant with my first, took it back up after I had him. Stopped again with the second, and decided then that I was so done with smoking because it was too hard the second time to do it!

  7. Being a x smoker..I know how hard it is to quit. But i still crave them.

  8. Quitting was the best thing you could have done for yourself and your kids. Besides that, dying from emphysema or lung cancer, not to mention a high blood pressure related stroke, is a nasty way to go.
    Good for you! You won the battle!

  9. Wow, what a moving song. What you did is amazing and how brave you were to turn it all over to God. Way to go!

  10. Congrats to you for having the courage to quit smoking. It is amazing how God answers prayer.



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