Friday, March 25, 2011

Seeking Advice For the Unhappily Married Mom

Annie (named changed) has been married for almost 20 years... She has two (2) children -ages 14 and 16.... They are good kids and she loves them like crazy.... They are very busy kids and Annie's time is spent between working... keeping house....driving the kids to softball practice... school... the different activities they participate in and youth group... There is hardly a minute in Annie's day that she can relax... and she really is okay with that... She believes that when she and her husband decided to have children that their priority for the most part would be raising the kids and helping them to have a joyful childhood... "We are only blessed with them under our roof for such a short time and we want to celebrate our time together..."

Annie is happy with being a mom... What Annie hates is being married to her husband... Hate is a strong word, isn't it? When talking with Annie - I can see.. feel.. and empathize what she is feeling and I feel so very helpless.. I wish I could fix it... Give her wonderful advise... But Annie cannot change her husband.. No one can... She can only change the way she reacts to him...

Annie's husband is a very successful man.. His business keeps him away from home most days and he likes it that way... His priority is his career and his extracurricular activities... If what he wants to do fits into the family plan... great... If not, he will never change his plans.... Most days - the family will do what the husband wants just so they can spend some time with him... You see Annie's husband doesn't know how to give and take... or to show love.. His idea of love and affection is making his family feel guilty for not wanting to go to a baseball game in the rain.. Or something "he" wants to do... It's very strange to me - how some men and/or women are too busy focusing on their own needs and wants to open their eyes and see the pain and loneliness they are causing their family.... I don't believe Annie's husband is purposely being callous... He is a good man... He just does not get the fact that he is losing his family.. and one day he will open his eyes and both of his kids will have gone away to college and his wife would have moved on too.....

Marriage is hard when both spouses are working together to make it work.. It's harder when one of the spouses isn't working at all.... This post is not a bash on Annie's husband - it really isn't... When I was a kid - I remember when my dad came home from work - I was not allowed to bother him until after he read his newspaper and relaxed... We usually could visit after dinner but only for a short while because he was soon too tired and he would go to bed.... I remember feeling very rejected because I was not important enough for him to bypass the paper on occasion... So I know to some degree what Annie's kids are going through and how Annie feels...

She asked that I write this post in hopes of getting some good advice... ideas.. plans... You see Annie does not want to give up.. She wants to love her husband again... But she is clueless on how....


  1. She should tell her husband how his behaviors affects the family.. really make him understand... Best of luck luck to Annie

  2. I agree with Katie. She needs to find a time to really talk to him and she needs to be praying that God will help him change.
    Sounds like a tough situation to live with.

  3. That sounds so tough! Beyond talking to him, praying is the best, and only thing that can open his eyes...

  4. Perhaps seeking the advice from a marriage counsellor could help?

  5. About 20 years ago when a dear friend and I were young wives and mothers my own mother gave us advice that shocked us both. She said "Always put your husband before your kids." We both thought she was wrong, we are both divorced now. My parents have been married 54 years.
    She needs to talk with her husband and listen to his side. Men see the world in a much different way.

  6. I agree with Michele above! She really needs to talk to her husband! Maybe go away for the weekend. I have seen too many marriages fall apart once the kids leave because it was always all about the kids. There has to be a balance.

  7. I don't have enough info to give a good idea other than to suggest that if there is a possibility, get him involved with men of the church who can help to mentor him--and her. Also, there is a great course by Dr. Joe Beam--well, several courses for both home study and for study in a group setting which helps with keeping everyone on track.

    Perhaps there is a preacher who can help to begin the process and then get them with a professional Christian counselor?

  8. PS I've been married to my hubby for 31 years this August. There are several points in a marriage that are truly breaking points--those are 7, 15, 20, 25 and I believe it is 30 or 35 years. These are the years that you must rely on the unshakable committment that you made to each other--because we all have days and sometimes years that we just don't like each other, but our committment will sustain us and make a strong basis for our love to grow and strengthen in the long run.

  9. I agree with Michele and Gayle. Other than that, I have no advice. 1 Corinthians chapter 13 is good to go over in the really rough times.



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