When I was in the 9th grade - I got my first kiss.. Now this kiss was anything but romantic - he was a very cute boy that I had been stalking and he was much more experienced than I.. After that first kiss - he asked me if I liked sex.... I told him I did not know - I avoided him after that... he scared me.... Now after getting that first kiss - I was on the prowl for my 2nd kiss.... In those days - 1980 - to be exact - we did not have cellphones... facebook... IPod with skype - heck, no one owned a computer. But we did have party-lines and once I discovered them - I became addicted.... I soon met high school boys that were just as immature as I was.... I soon had my 2nd kiss... at the park... I told my mom I was going to the library - I forgot my bike lock - she went to the library to give it to me but instead found me sitting on a park bench making out with a boy she had never met... I was SOO Busted... But - I continued to sneak behind my parents back - sneaking out the bedroom window to meet boys... I have to say that I am lucky... I was never attacked... hurt... molested and I did not have sex - I just kissed.. I kissed a lot... and looking back on my dangerous activities - I was very lucky.....
Today - I have a daughter that just completed her 9th grade year... She has her own cellphone - Facebook - and IPod..... She is going through the same hormones as I was and is making bad choices similar to the ones I did - the difference is she does not need to sneak out of the house - she has a cellphone and an IPod with a camera.... She is doing things right in her own bedroom! Yesterday - she got in trouble and had her phone taken away... While I had her phone - I was going to block a number of a kid that kept calling her and she was getting annoyed.. While I was looking up the number (she has a touch screen and I had no idea what I was doing) I hit a message that she sent to a boy... I could not miss the message due to it being a picture of her without her top on!!! I could instantly feel the nausea come up to my throat.... I (in front of her) started reading the several texts she was sending to not one boy but a few boys... I could bypass the bad words somewhat - she is a teen and I'm not stupid.. I wish she did not use the F word and other choice words while talking to her friends but unfortunately she and her friends think it's okay.. What I could not over-look was the extreme and graphic sex talk that she was initiating - not the boys - but HER....
I know she still has not had her first kiss and I also know that she is desperate to get it... When talking with her last night about her texting and also the inappropriate friends (that she has never met) on Facebook..... She told me that every guy she talks to wants pictures and that she likes that they think she is "hot". Needless to say the conversation was awful... There is so much that was said but the end result is - I told her I was not going to give up on her... She can hate me now - that's okay.... But if I did not do something now to protect her - she would hate me later and more likely hate herself too... As of last night - she will no longer have a cellphone that she can call her friends on - she will use it for emergencies and the only calls she can make are to family members.... everything else has been blocked
Regarding Facebook - this is something that she and I have been going back and forth on basically since she started it almost 2 years ago.... I have to say a majority of the "friends" on her Facebook are kids that are friends of friends or friends of friends of friends... She will also meet "friends" on You Tube.... Most of the "friends" are boys.... no brainer there...... and Most of those boys are graphic... nasty... vulgar.... and people she would not associate with in person.... That is one of the things that is so flipping dangerous about Facebook - Facebook opens the door for so many low-lifes to invade your daughter's bedroom.. I thought I was so smart - I had her Facebook password etc and I would check it on occasion - but I wasn't monitoring it close enough - obviously.... She was making friends and "chatting" with people that would scare her if she ever saw them face to face...
Computers, cellphones, and IPods with texting etc - are easy to hide behind and allow a teen to say and do practically anything they want - things that they most likely would not do in person.. For example - last Friday - my daughter had a small pool party with friends - a boy that she has known for a while that she flirts with on FB came - and when he walked in the door - she walked by him and barely said "hi" - she did not know what to say or how to act... She is brave behind her cell but face to face she is tongue tied and shy.... Computers etc have stunted my kid's communication skills and I have a strong suspicion that my kid is not the only that is having this problem...
So what have I done??? I have learned (the hard way) that she is not mature enough to handle a cellphone... She has many numbers of kids she does not know face to face.. The sex-texting and pictures have to stop... and did I mention that she was trying to get her first kiss last night at our neighbor's son's birthday party? Yep - he's 18.... Another thing I did - I called the boy that she sent the "sexy" picture to and left him a message that I was her mom and would like to speak to his mom... Haven't heard back yet... This is one kid that she did know and I know his family to be a very devout Mormon family.... So NO Cellphone. Next - Facebook - after really looking at her activity on Facebook - She wasn't talking to her friends here at home... She was talking - flirting - befriending boys she has NEVER met... Facebook is for actual friends - Not for stalking boys who are strangers! So last night I deleted every one on her Facebook, changed the password, and then deactivated it.... IPod - took it away - because this gives her access to all that her cellphone and Facebook/computer do.... She can use her old IPod for music...
New rules have got to be made... Stronger and more effective monitoring will have to be done.
I know that I cannot do this alone - there are so many issues that need to be addressed and healing has to start... I have a message into my therapist for a referral for my kid... I will not give up on her!!!!
Has any of you gone through this - If so - HELP
wow! i think it is SO incredibly brave of you to come out with this!!!! I can only IMAGINE how you must be feeling. My daughter is 8, almost 9 and has asked for a cell phone repeatedly. She has an ipod for games and music, but it doesn't allow her online access. She doesn't have a facebook, nor will we allow her one. I have recently taken her computer away, and protected the tv channels. I think I gave her so much trust, but I think their curiosity begins to sink in as their hormones change. I also began to wonder if it is because I was a single mom until she was 6. I married when she was 6 and it wasn't to her father. He and I split up when she was 15 months old. I think that you can only provide them with REAL answers, and information, trying to keep the communication line open as much as possible. As uncomfortable as it is going to be, put your discomfort aside and face her questions the best way you can. Provide her with the information she needs to know and wants to know. Our job as parents isn't to control their entire life. They will hit a point where, ultimately, they are going to have to make their own decisions, and as HARD as it is, we will have to sit back and hope and pray that we have provided them with as much information and support and love to make the best decisions for themselves. It scares the absolute heck out of me to think that in the coming years I may be facing the same thing. I always think, "what can i do to prevent it?" and then if something were to happen, that I'd likely blame myself. I think that's the first mistake. There are going to be many things we cannot PREVENT, but hopefully us talking to them will stay in their mind and they'll make the best decisions possible! Good luck!! Also, have you referenced any online articles? I browsed through them on how to explain the difference between a girl's and boy's anatomy to my daughter who was curious. I wish parenting came with a manual!!!!! Will keep you in my good thoughts and prayers! Best of luck to you!!!
ReplyDeleteLast year I taught 6th grade and many of the girls and boys were doing just what your daughter was. I wish one parent had taken the actions you are. All I can say is do not give up or back down. Once kids become peer-oriented then it is hard, but not impossible to get them back.
ReplyDeleteThis is in excellent book and I highly, highly recommend it:
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1313437915&sr=8-2
I want to direct you to Vicki Courtney's website... she has amazing resources available and doesn't pull any punches regarding the assault at hands. It is a massive assault on our children; without firm boundaries, they are one click away from losing their innoncence. Make no apologies for being the one to set those boundaries. Your daughter will thank you later.
ReplyDeleteGrowing pains for both of you. It's not too late; keep encouraged.
http://vickicourtney.com/
peace~elaine
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteYou've just described (in amazingly written detail!) one of my worst nightmares.
I totally agree with you - most of these kids don't have the maturity level to deal with this stuff - facebook, cellular phones etc and hide behind the false sense of "security" they provide.
I work in telecommunications and my daughter was the last kid in her class to get a phone this summer - and only because I am going back to work and she will be walking home w her little brother. That said, I check it constantly. And at random. And ask her to read her contacts out to me ongoing.
Friends have had to take phones away from kids much younger than yours -- for similar reasons. Scary.
You hope you've guided them correctly but then pressure from one kid and boom...
I think you are doing the right thing by being all over her. Good for you.
xo
You are a wonderful parent. I wish there were more of you out there! There are so many young girls who have no one at home watching anything that they do, and most of them end up victims in some way.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I sure wish society wouldn't encourage our girls to grow up so quickly and yearn for those things which they're not emotionally equipped to handle. You're doing her a huge favor by protecting her and monitoring her like this.
ReplyDeleteMy sons hate me and I don' care. They are the only kids on the block that don't own a cellphone. They are not allowed to use the computer any where except in the living room. Against my advice, Josh started to be on FB until he was tagged in pics that were taken without his knowledge and was made fun off. Yesterday, he decided to terminate his account.
ReplyDeleteI still think that kids below 18 are not matured enough to handle social networks and especially teenagers who think with their hormones.
I can't imagine how you're feeling, I've never experienced anything like this and as a kid, I was pretty shy when it came to doing things with boys. But, it's the generation that's getting these kids into trouble and I think you're doing the right things by taking away her social network connections. I really hope you find a way to manage it and I'll be praying for you and your daughter through this rough time!
ReplyDelete