Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Planned For The Wedding... But Not The Marriage

In Four months I will be celebrating my 23rd wedding anniversary.... This anniversary will say that I have been married to the same guy for half my life... It's hard to believe that I've been married this long... It's harder to believe that I am not a statistic of divorce.... Especially since I have filed for divorce two times....

You see, I married my husband not because I loved him.... I married him because I was afraid... Not of him.. He is a good man.. I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own... I did not believe in myself and I knew that D (the husband) loved me... I knew that D would always be successful - he is and has always been so blasted smart... And - another reason I said yes to the ring - Was I wanted a wedding.. Every girl dreams of her wedding... I think I spent more time thinking about the wedding day and not so much on what I wanted from the marriage... D and I never discussed what we wanted in a marriage... and to be honest I never thought about it... but I thought a lot about the wedding.. the color theme... the dress.. the bridesmaids.. the honeymoon...

I remember on our honeymoon - we were walking to a cab and he took my hand in his and at that moment I knew I had made a big mistake... And poor D - I spent almost half my life making him pay for it... One of the main reasons I started blogging a couple of years ago was to hold myself accountable... I had decided to try to love my husband - After 20 years of marriage I thought it was about time... So I started The 40 day Love Dare - I was more surprised than anyone when I found myself falling in love with D for the first time. The book helped me to understand what love is... and when I practice love - I feel it.. I want to show it... share it...

Loving someone can be much like working out at the gym... It can be brutal - often times so tiring you can barely walk that sounded kind of wrong - ha but the end result is that you are healthier.. You have more energy... Your outlook is brighter and your mind is more clear... but once you stop the routine of working out.. the routine of loving your spouse it gets so difficult to start up again and you keep putting it off and putting it off and before you know it you have gained all your weight back.. And you have lost that loving feeling and you could sometimes careless if you ever get it back....

I believe love is more of an action than a feeling... Love is kind.. Love is never rude... Love is accountable... Love wants to understand... Love wants to heal.. Love is a choice...

So where am I today???? I want to love D... and lately it's been really hard... I know I've been extremely unlovable myself... D and I are two very stubborn people and we are not ones to give up without a fight because if we did give up easily - one of those two divorce petitions would have stuck... Love is worth fighting for.. And after almost 23 years of marriage - I'm still not done fighting...


  1. wow. i love the honesty and the candor in this post. i am not quite sure what to say. but i applaud you for learning and for trying, and i am hoping for the best for you both.

    i am just starting a new relationship, and it is TERRIFYING. i like having fun. the serious parts are tripping me out. tbc. gulp. relationships, partnerships, life, etc. are not easy. not at all. and it is wild that we have no idea what we are doing, and we just keep plugging along. gulp.

  2. Wow. I too love your honesty. Good for you. I'm celebrating my anniversary today as well - 9 years and counting! Thanks for sharing! liz

  3. 23 Years is a long time. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now, and we but heads a lot - But the important thing for me is that he's there. I suffer from several forms of depression/anxiety, and even though it's sometimes trying - I'm glad he's here.

    I hope whatever is meant to be happens - As long as you are happy.

    Stopping by to thank you for following me. I have already been a follower for quite some time.

  4. Thanks for the honest post. Keep at it!

  5. I think it's wonderful that you're not afraid of being honest. This is such a poignant and open post. Thank you for sharing this.

  6. You are a testament to what marriage means...not the mushy feelings, but the reality of daily making the choice to live out love and commitment. Keep at it. Good job!

  7. Hi! New follower from Welcome Wednesday! I hope you'll stop by my blog and follow back! Thanks :) Through the Eyes of a Tiger

  8. Wow, what an amazing post. Love the honesty.

    We are your newest followers from the blog hop. We would love for you to come on by and follow back!

  9. Love the brutal honest of your thoughts and feelings on your marriage. It sounds like you are very intuitive and I hope your journey will lead you to happiness.
    Sarah @ made in usa challenge

  10. Marriage can be tough, I've been at it almost 30 years and things are mostly good but sometimes not so much. But we work through it.



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