A Fist Full Of Sleeping Pills and A Bottle of Benadryl

   



"You won't have to worry about me soon enough."  cryptic words uttered by my eldest Sunday morning...  Soon after several notebook pages were left face up in the trash - obviously left there for our inspection....  This is what we found....

6 pages with the word DEATH -
2 pages Death is Happiness
6 pages Death a thing to Beauty

My Second Chance

Death

A Thing of Beauty

This is my second chance

at happiness

No,

Not a plea for attention

only a cry for mercy

on this wretched soul

Only 

One way to find out

the feeling

of leaving your body

A Doorway to

The other side

Heaven won't have me

and Hell is full

Happiness

I think I've fount it

I just have to shake hands with 

Death

Monday was a good day for my eldest - she had fun with friends at school...  She came home and watched an episode of one of her favorite shows... Consumed one of her favorite dinners...  Went to her karate class and enjoyed herself.... Went out for a yogurt after class... All in all a good day...  So I was surprised when she asked to speak with me privately...

My eldest walked into my room with a fist full of sleeping pills that she stole from me - about 20 pills and a full bottle of Benadryl pills..  She advised me that she planned on taking the pills after school today but decided against it.  She said that she wanted to sleep forever but did not want to know what comes after death....  I did not know what to say - this was not our first thoughts of suicide dance... The next day I called her counselor - who was very concerned - he had recently lost a patient to suicide.. In my heart of hearts I did not and still do not believe my kid had any intention of killing herself...  I believe that she takes things to the highest level not taking into consideration the ramifications of her words and/or actions... 

 I may have believed she wanted to die if she wasn't constantly laughing at TV shows... or if she wasn't constantly eating crap... or if her reasons for death didn't change every two minutes... One minute it's because she's sad and wants to leave this Earth... The next minute she just wants to know what it feels like...  Her and her friends genre is death - it's a popular way of life/liking...  I have several friends that like the dark side - it interests them - it doesn't mean that they want to die....  My kid's immaturity can't find a filter on how far to take things.... so she goes too far...

After the counselor spoke with my daughter - he believed she most likely was being dramatic for attention -  but to be on the safe side he called a Centralized Assessment Team (CAT) to assess the situation.  My husband spoke with the team and after a very detailed discussion they too believed that my kid was not at risk due to her current behavior - the lack of consistency and many other things...

For most of this entire year - I have felt like my daughter's mental illness was my fault.. Some how I did a really crappy job raising her...  I must have done something so horrendous... She wasn't getting better...  She acted out whenever she did not get her way or she was caught in the act of something wrong...  I think the biggest eye opener for me was last May when she was put on restriction - so she went up to her room and found a razor blade and cut about 20 shallow cuts into her arm - deep enough to make blood run down her arms and then she came downstairs to get something to eat out of the kitchen - with the full intent of showing me what "I" made her do....  She knows now that her cutting doesn't "get to me" any longer so she stopped... Now it's the talk of death.... If she doesn't get what she wants or gets caught doing something wrong (ie: stealing) - she talks about death and implies that she will take her life.... 

There are many reasons I have been writing about my experience in this blog - I realized that I can't be the only mother going through this and from the responses I have received from many of my readers - I know that I am not alone.  I have read some very wonderful emails and comments from other parents who have gone thru the same thing and now their kid's life is good....  It doesn't have to end badly..  I also use this blog as my outlet...  Because honestly at this point in this journey - I am exhausted...  I have to let it out somehow and it's better here in writing then going bonkers at my family...

If you are a prayer warrior - Please pray for  my kid... thanks

The Chocolate Cake Lunatic

If the average stranger looked at my family - my  home - our life style they would most likely think that we have a great life.  We are one of the lucky ones.....  I would have agreed a little over a year ago but today - No, I would say looks can be deceiving...  On the outside - I have a beautiful home....  I have two beautiful daughters... I have a respected and successful husband and a great dog and cat....  But this is only the surface....  This is only a beautiful book cover to a family wrecked by death, mental illness, sickness, martial struggles, and loss of hope at times.....

As a mother - wife - sister - daughter - follower of Christ - I have completely and utterly lost my way... I no longer believe that I can make things better - I don't believe that I can "fix" it! I have a very hard time believing that God is even paying attention to me.... my family...  It's seems to me that all I have been getting is more bad news on top of more bad news....  Last week I was told that I have to let go and let God take control of my daughter who suffers from bi-polar and has succeeded in creating a constant battle ground at our home..... The lies - the stealing - the constant tempers - the intense hatred of a father that loves her.  Our entire family walks on eggshells to avoid her wrath....  I keep this mantra going in my mind that she will be 18 soon and she can go....  But in reality could I just abandon my daughter?  Could I really set her on her own with nothing to fall back on?

 I sound like a broken recording - this is something I say so so often... "All I want from you is for you to do your best, love your family, be kind, and show respect. - that's all that you  need to do to stay home and we will pay for your education and all this is needed to succeed.... Continue to steal from us - scream at us - destroy our home - There won't be a choice - You will leave."  My daughter's therapist advised me that my kid does know what I expect....  She knows... So I can stop saying my little spiel and just let her live her life....  Praise her when she does good and briefly acknowledge the bad behavior and move on....  don't grab onto it and run it into the ground....  I'm Irish and that's a very difficult thing for me not to do.... but in all honestly I've been trying - and sometimes I fail..

I most definitely failed when I tossed her new baked chocolate cake into the sink after I watched her continually lick her fingers and smooth the frosting - all over the friggin cake!!!  I was gagging.....  No flipping way was anyone eating that drool infected cake...  I asked her to stop putting her licked fingers in the cake and she denied she was doing it and freaked out on me - at that moment I wished I had a camera - the atomic bomb went off on me so I proceeded to toss the cake....  I digressed into a cake drowning in the sink lunatic....there is only so much drool a person can watch landing on a cake before enough enough!

Lately my youngest daughter has been depressed...  With so much attention going towards #1 daughter I can understand...  I like to think that #2 and I spend a lot of quality time together..  She is my snuggle bunny and I adore her...  Don't get me wrong she is a 15 year old girl and with that comes the typical 15 year old obstacles but over the most part - she is my best friend..  Sometimes I feel that she and I have been in the trenches together this past year...  I believe this year has been very tough on her - she lost her best friend/sister to a mental illness that she cannot control....  There was a time when those two girls were each others confident.. protector... This is no longer true....  When my oldest came back from Wilderness Camp in September of this year- the girls hugged and kissed and cried... So thankful to be together again...  Many promises were made....  Within a month those hopes and dreams disappeared like so many other promises....

My husband's dad Darrell is dying....  Last January he was given 6-9 months to live if he underwent chemotherapy - which he did - now we are in November and cancer has definitely showed up..  I am thankful that from January to beginning of October Darrell was doing great!  He went clamming with his sons and beautiful wife... He played cards with friends - Made some great meals and had a great appetite.  The chemo is over - the radiation battered his body and today he is doing the best he can to stay positive and optimistic..  Not only is this really hard on my husband Dusty - it's terrifying for both my girls...  Their "poppa" has been a  huge part of their life and see this strong happy joyful man decline before their eyes - it's definitely a reason for depression and sadness...

I'm not sure what is next...  I know we have to ride out this storm and hope for the best....  I know that I have to support my oldest and help her if she will let me but not push it and hope and pray that she will realize that I am on her side...  I want my baby to lose this depression and to not be overwhelmed and know that she is so important and loved and valued...  I need to pay attention to my words and actions much better.....    I need to be strong for him in the coming days....  I need a break.....  I need God but wonder how to find Him again......

I Need to stop Worrying and just let it Go!

 

They Will Become Human at 25? Are You Sure??

A while back there was a cruise commercial where this family was having a great time...  However, their teenage daughter did not want to admit to this great time so whenever the parents attempted to take a picture the daughter would frown and snarl.... until the fun was too much and they finally caught their teen smiling....  This commercial I believe represents many homes that have teenage girls (possibly boys)...

I have heard many parents complain about their teenage child's moods..  I have heard many times that the teen will become human again around the age 25 and all will be great...  From this side - it's very hard to imagine.....

I Can Say 'No" and The World Won't Stop Revolving!

I have recently learned that I can say No to my kids and the world won't stop...  I have learned that  constantly trying to keep them from making mistakes has harmed them more than helped them....  I have also learned that the they need to "pay the price" for forgetting their homework....  In the past, I would worry so much about their grades that I would rush to the school with their forgotten papers.. If they forgot their lunch - I was right there with their lunch bag or Taco Bell (seems like I rewarded them for forgetting?)

I took it upon myself to make sure that they didn't miss a thing...  By accommodating to their every mishap - I prevented them from growing up responsible..... I prevented them from feeling the sense of accomplishment.  I was too busy following up behind them to make sure nothing was forgotten - homework was done - they studied for their test - they brushed their teeth. ... The list is endless....

When our oldest was in the Wilderness Camp - she was expected to take care of herself.  She learned to be self reliant and if she didn't do what she was suppose to do - she paid the consequence.  A great example she told me was this...  One night they were setting up camp - the counselors advised that there was a chance that it might rain that night and to be sure to use their rain tarp....  Well, my kid was just too tired and thought the counselors were being overly cautious.... She did not roll out the rain tarp because it was too much work and she just hiked 5 miles.  At 3:00 in the morning the flood gates of Heaven opened up and she was soaked to the bone.  She had to get up - get the rain tarp and gear and cover herself in the poring rain.  The result was her sleeping bag, clothes, and other belongings got drenched.  If she had prepared for the rain she would have slept through the night warm - dry - and toasty....  Having learned this lesson - I'm pretty sure it would not happen again..

It seems to me that I learned a lot during the several weeks my girl was away...  By helping her too much - I didn't give her the chance to screw up and then learn from it...  I am trying really hard to review what is a need and what is a want...  I have discovered that a "want" is not a "need" many times...  And giving into the "want" may be not be the right thing to do - because they just may need me to say No...

We Sent Our Daughter To A Wilderness Camp

The first letter I received....  " I hate it here - I hate the weather - I hate the bugs - I hate the dirt.  I have to pee in a hole.. And how the  Hell am I suppose to take a dump standing up?????"

The 2nd letter I received.... " I cry all the time..  Please come get me - I promise to be a better daughter..  I've been in a camp with only counselors - I can't talk to the other girls until I make a backpack, make a spoon, and bust a coal (make fire).  I hate it here!"

The 3rd letter I received.... " I am now with the other girls - they are very nice.  I think I may have a new friend she likes the same music I do.  We hiked to the top of a mountain - I was going so fast up the hill that the counselors said I rocked.  I fell down the trail and sprained my ankle but I still pushed through it.  I feel proud of myself- I miss and love you"

The 4th letter I received... " We slept under the stars last night - it was so beautiful.  I am really sorry for a lot of the stuff I've done and I hope that we can work through this..  The hikes are very funny - we sing a lot and talk about very random things that are hilarious. One of the girls here had a token ceremony and trail name - I want a trail named after me someday.  I love you to Saturn and back."

The 5th week letter I received... "I am realizing that my depression isn't who I am but a feeling that I get.  I am learning different ways to get out of my head.  I busted a coal and had ramon with a maple spice it was delicious. I was co-leader in my group this week.  I plan the hike and give out chores for the girls to do when we set up camp."

The 6th week letter I received in person....  This is the week that we spent a day with our girl...  We arrived in Lehi, Utah on a Sunday night.  On Monday we attended an all day seminar on better communication skills and Tuesday we drove over 2 hours in a 4x4 all terrain vehicle to the middle of nowhere...  When we arrived at our destination - one of the counselors met us at the road.  He was telling us how much our girl has developed in the past few weeks.  He said that she had been a leader and the girls respected her....  He said that when the girls were showing disrespect to a counselor she stepped in and said that the disrespect was not okay (she would NEVER had done this before).. He said that she found her voice and is learning that she is worth much more than she had thought...  The counselor handed us a "bullroarer".  It was basically a piece of wood on a string..  We were to swing it in the air until it makes a loud whooshing sound..  Our daughter will hear that sound and swing her bullroarer in response so that we could find her (no words are used - just the sound of the bullroarer)....  After about 3 attempts of whooshing back and forth....  I see a pair of legs behind a tree...  All of a sudden - these legs start running and a very familiar voice is calling out "Daddy.... Mommy"  Then the most massive and longest hugs to ever hold my body came from my beautiful girl.  She wasn't mad...  She was happy to see us.. She was thankful that we loved her so much that we sent her here to this desert in the middle of Utah......

She was on a "solo" camp.  This happens shortly before a parent visit happens.  This gives the child time to think and plan without outside interference.  Her campsite was about 100 yards from the others...  It was very primitive.  She carried everything she used - sleeping bag, tarps, clothes, food, and necessitates. She cooked her own meals - she learned to do EVERYTHING on her own....  I was shocked on how much she had accomplished..  I was in awe of this incredibly self sufficient young woman in front of me....  We talked and loved each other... She performed a token and trail ceremony for her dad and I and gave us each a token representing how she felt about us...  It was a beautiful and moving experience..  Seeing tears well up in my husband's eyes confirmed that we were all affected by this transformation and special day...  Before dark we had to leave our girl at her solo site - she cried....  I walked away in tears... But I knew that I would see her again.....

The 7th letter I received .... "I think about you more than ever. I think about how much you must love me.  I think about how hard it must have been for you to send me out here and I am so grateful that you did because it helped me reflect on my past behaviors and actions and I am learning to make better decisions.  I have come so far from the girl that came here 8 weeks ago.  I know I have a long way to go and grow but I am optimistic and I look forward to my future.  I was put on an extended solo camp - this is an honor and privilege because it means that I have come to a point in my recovery that I know what I need to do.  My therapist gave me several assignments to work on.  She also wrote me a beautiful letter.  I do have to say that I am nervous about coming home - I don't want to mess up and fail.  I like the person I am now and I want to continue to grow..  Oh - I had a trail named after me - the girls voted and my trail name is Persistent Rose.  They come up with a bunch of adjectives and nouns that describe me and vote them down to a final name.  Here is a poem I wrote



The following week she was surprised to find out that she was coming  home....  She has been home for two weeks today.  I see many positive changes..  She does miss her Outback Wilderness Camp.  She misses the connections she made with all the other girls, counselors, and therapist.  Every day I pray that we as a family will continue to grow in love - tolerance - objectivity.  We are a great family filled with very much love and I am optimistic to what our future holds...

This is when both of our daughters saw each other for the 1st time at the airport - find a Kleenex.