Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Love Dare Day 7

This has been an emotional day for me. Have you ever been on the brink of tears all day and just hoping that nothing happens to send you over the edge? Today was my day for that. During my recent studies, I have discovered that this could be a good thing. Today a wise friend told me that when you are following the path that God wants you too, bringing you closer to Him, Satan starts putting up roadblocks. Well, ain't that the truth!!
Yesterday's Love Dare was to choose to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritations. Begin by making a list where I need to add margin to my schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that I need to release from my life. Well, that is deep...
First off, I was still overwhelmed by the fact that Dusty did not let me know the three things that I do that disturbs him.. I did not attack him or nag but my irritation was right at the surface. I was quiet. Not rude or mad quiet, I just did not know what to say. While I was making dinner, I asked Dusty why he didn't answer the questions for me and he became very defensive and said that there was no way he was going to answer the questions because he knows I would start a fight. I promised that I would not and asked him to have faith in me. He had these incredible high walls surrounding him and just refused. Dusty said that if I really want to know what bothers him think about every complaint he has had in the past 20 years! Wow! I'm not sure where his anger is coming from. I know that I have not given any reason in the past seven days for this reaction, but I do know that I have given many reasons in the past five years, ten years, fifteen years, and yes twenty years. Just because I am getting things right today doesn't mean that he will believe it or see it. I know that we are in a bad place right now and I also believe things are going to get tougher before they get better. I just pray that I can take the negativity and anger without lashing back which is honestly in my nature. The funny thing is lashing out isn't in Dusty's nature...are our roles reversed?
The main reason for my emotional day today is that Dusty went to Sacramento early this morning. I have always driven him to the airport. On many occasions it has been a hassle with the kids and their activities but it was always expected of me. So this morning I heard Dusty in the shower and I heard him get ready, I was waiting for him to give me the five minute warning so that I could jump out of bed but it never came. I heard him go downstairs. I called to him and asked him what was going on and what time did we need to leave. To avoid, giving a blow by blow here on this blog the nitty gritty is that he is angry and he brought up horrible things I have said in the past. I still don't know where this anger came from, I can only think that maybe he just doesn't know how to digest the "new" me....... He didn't want to ask me to take him to the airport and went off again. I just let him say his say. I did not defend myself or throw back well you did this or that. I just let him go.. After he finished, I said Dusty you and I both know that you have been cold to me lately and you have been avoiding me like the plague. I don't know why you are doing this only you do. I just want you to know that I'm not going to fight with you. I saw his demeanor physically change....not by leaps and bounds but a he asked me "Do you want to take me to the airport?" I replied, "I'd love too" I chose today to love Dusty and let him vent. I chose to not show irritation. Yes, I am still on the verge of tears but that's okay....God is working on me and through me. Boy this love dare stuff is tough.....
Today's Love Dare is to write positive things and negative things about Dusty on two separate papers and to pick one positive attribute and thank Dusty for having that characteristic. Until then.....

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