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Monday, March 11, 2013

My Mind Is A Traffic Jam....

Last week I was in therapy.. Yes, I admit that I can not do it alone right now...  I was diagnosed with situational depression..  Meaning there are certain things in my life that have caused this depression and hopefully when things slow down.. I'll be cured....  Well in a manner of speaking.. I will still be the crazy perimenopausal woman that I am today but with less sadness... Or so they say....

Okay - well back to  my original thought... Last week in therapy....  I realized that my mind is a traffic jam - much like the 405 FWY during rush hour with an overturned semi-truck leaking radioactive fluids all over the flipping place...... Basically I'm a big ole mess and some things just have to go....  But what????

Do I remove my kids???  Nope - like many moms, I would love a break on occasion but basically my kids keep me sane.. Okay that's a lie... my kids drive me freaking INSANE... but I love them - I want to be there with them....  They are my reason for being on this Earth... and I do know that one day - they will appreciate me... one day...

Do I kick out the husband??  Well.... After 24 years of marriage I'm kind of used to him but I do have a fantasy that I hope to make a reality one day... Ever see the movie Eat, Pray, Love??  Well, I want to go to New Orleans - Washington DC - NYC...  I want to stay in each destination for four months and come back a new woman after a year...  So on my "To Do" list after the last kid is out - I'm off.... So I say now....

Do I close my business??  Honestly, I have given this question much thought.. There are many pros and cons to both sides...  Can we survive without my income? Well, Yes we can....  Can we live like we do now - Well, no we could not....   So the decision - I made on this front is to S L O W down.. I don't need to accept every client that calls me...  I don't have to work 7 days a week 12 hours a day...  So I'm trying to expect less from myself on this...  I'm a work in progress and I have to accept that the less work I do - the less money I will make...  I'm struggling with being okay with that......

Do I stop being a woman/mom/wife/caregiver?  That really is the question isn't it?  With the role I have chosen - there are many responsibilities....  And with those responsibilities there are expectations.  Many I have placed on myself... Some by my husband..  A few by my kids... I need to delegate - say "no" - and the big word my therapist is trying to have me say to the kids when they want me to do their stuff... "bummer".. Haven't quite mastered that one  yet....

One thing that I know I need more of is Faith.  Faith to carry me through this traffic jam - I call my life...  So many challenges have hit home in the last few months...  My oldest being diagnosed with bi-polar....  My health is not what it should be for  a 47 year old woman - I have a bunch of tests coming up shortly... worrying about my mom and the pain she is going through.. My sister suffering from MS symptoms.. My other sister so far away and not seeing her and realizing that we are both getting older and life does not stand still until the time we make time to live....  and now today - my father in-law being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with a very short life expectancy.... It's hard to imagine him not being in our lives... He has been a  huge presence....  Knowing that I will have to be strong for the husband and kids... Knowing that I can't have my breakdown yet.... Wanting to squeeze as much time and memories I can from my dad in law...  He is a good man - a good father - a good grandfather - a good husband..

 I need to not lose faith - especially when at this moment I am really pissed off at God.......


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