In 2008 I took my girls on a "Mom and Daughters" vacation/adventure... The husband stayed home and minded the animals and us girls took to the road for two weeks... In the middle of our trip - I got a call from my mom. She told me that my dad was in the hospital and that they expected him to be out in a couple of days.... He was having difficulty breathing thru his trache (breathing tube - he had lost his tongue to tongue cancer a couple of years prior) - she said not to worry and to enjoy my vacation.... At first I wasn't too concerned because he had been in and out of the hospital many times in the past year.... But as the days went by - my dad wasn't leaving the hospital..... When I arrived home - I rushed to the hospital - there was my dad.... I think he was waiting for me and my other sister who lived on the East coast..... My dad was dying... He had his eyes open but he could not see... He knew I was there and reached out his hand to me... Three days later - my dad was gone...
As a kid - teen - young adult - It was impossible for me to envision the death of a parent... Parents were a part of my life - they had ALWAYS been there.... I took for granted that my parents would be there when I needed them... I never been without them - so the concept of them being gone forever - I just could not wrap my mind around it.....
You say to yourself when a loved one passes that you are going appreciate the ones in your life even more... You say that you will never take them for granted again... Well, what's the saying about good intentions... "Good intentions pave your path to Hell"...... Well - I've paved that path and today - I feel as guilty as Hell....
Last week - a dear friend of my family died.... He was as close to a dad as I could have had when I was a little girl... His family and mine met in the late 1960's - we were there for each other during the tough times.. As the years went by we drifted apart... Connecting again at my dad's bedside.... Maria the wife and mom left us a couple of years ago (after my dad).... So now Carlos, Maria, and my dad are together in Heaven talking about the "good ole days'... This Saturday - I will be at the funeral of Carlos to honor him and his 5 sons and their families... What a beautiful legacy Carlos and Maria gave to this world.....
On Monday of this week - our family received devastating news... My husband's father DY has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.... The doctors gave him 3-9 months... As shocked as our family is - I can't imagine what is going on through DY's mind... But knowing DY as I do - I'm betting he and his wife of over 51 years are making each day count... I used to describe DY as the man that would go into an elevator with a bunch of strangers and leave with a bunch of new friends...
I don't want to think about DY not being here with us... He is a man that golfs every day... He is a man that loves his sons - granddaughters - wife - daughter in laws.. He's been all over the world... He is still madly in love with his college sweetheart... He loves God.. He has never met a stranger..... He's been a healthy vibrant man and to think.... No not today.....
I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on much this week... I realized that I was internalizing much when I went to the dentist on Wednesday morning. Having a mental breakdown in the dental chair was a big clue- You know the kind of crying that just makes you look ugly? Snot starting to form - mouth contorted like Gumby - tears running down - yep that was me... My poor dentist thought it was because I needed a new crown... So he patted me on the head and said for me to come back when I was less stressed.... On Thursday when I was sharing this story to my therapist - I said that I had felt gross as well... she asked why.. and then I realized that I had not taken a shower in 5 days... Yep - I was a gross stinky dirty haired mess......
Talking to friends... Looking at Face Book posts of friends - it hit me... We're at the age when people we love start to die.... This part of growing up just sucks.......
I'm sorry you have all this going on. It's hard to see that generation go - so many family members and friends, and so many memories.
ReplyDeleteA thought provoking post! My sister and I were talking about this very thing this afternoon. Life is fleeting and fragile.
ReplyDeleteI had that same thought just this week. My dad's companion of the past few years past away in January, my hubby's sister's husband is in hospice with terminal brain cancer, my brother is going through cemo now for cancer. It's all hitting at once. Then I was looking at hubby's parents and they are on set into assisted living.
ReplyDeleteAgree this part of life isn't fun......