Was It A Ghost, Demon, Angel.. Imagination?

When my oldest daughter was not quite 3  years old - a man came to her room... He stood outside her bedroom door and watched her while her daddy was reading a book to her before bedtime...  This man was not seen by me or her daddy... But this man ended up being the focus of my daughter's thoughts and conversations for months....  This is how it started....

One night I was tucking Nikki into bed...  We had our nightly routine - first I would read a book she selected and then I would try sing to her.. Our favorites were You Are My Sunshine, Ten Little Angels, and Away in a Manager....  As I was walking out the door she asked me this.."Mommy, remember the mean man that was standing in the door the other night when Daddy was reading to me?"  I had to stop and think... There had not been any strange men in our home so I asked her what he looked like...  Her reply "He was a mean man"... 

That night was the first of many nights and days that Nikki would talk about this "mean" man....  I would ask her what "mean" looked like - She would point to elderly people.. So I came to the conclusion that she was talking about an "older" person...  As the days and nights went by her knowledge of this man grew bigger...  He was a mean/old man - he had to go to the hospital because he had a big 'owie' in his leg...  Every night she would talk about it .... Every day as well, it seemed that the minute we left our neighborhood in  the car - it was a trigger for her to talk about him more....

To say that Dusty (the husband/daddy) and I were getting a little freaked is an understatement.  We had no idea what to do ..... what to think...  So I talked to my sister and a friend who were both Christians, whereas, I was technically but not spiritually at the time...  Both my sister and friend believed that there was either a demon or an angel in my kid's room..  I thought they were both drinking too much of the Kool-aid - so I basically ignored them.. Until....

Several months later, I was holding my youngest daughter as I was bringing her up the stairs for  her nap...  Kara was maybe 18 months - maybe 2 years old...  As we were walking up the stairs - she points to Nikki's room and asked "Whose that?"  I did not see anything - I told her no one was there - and she said..... "Whose the man?"  as she continually pointed her finger at Nikki's room - I asked what man?  She pointed again and said "That man!"  So I ran walked downstairs deciding it was not a good time for a nap after all....  As Kara played in her playpen - I made a call....

I was told  (by my friend and sister) that any demon or spirit must leave if I tell them to...  That God was in charge....  Because the enemy cannot hear my thoughts - I had to say it out loud..... Soooo the next day while the kids were in nursery school.

I went into Nikki's bedroom - I did it in broad daylight - I've watched way too many scary movies to even think about going in there at night...  I stood in the door way at first scared out of my freaking mind and said this... "God said that you have to leave - You are not welcome here - so get the Hell out"..   I am completely serious - I walked more into the room and opened the window to help whoever/whatever get out...  My chill to the bone was gone.... and what's more???

Nikki Never talked about or saw the mean man again....... Kara either...

We're At That Age........

In 2008 I took my girls on a "Mom and Daughters" vacation/adventure...  The husband stayed home and minded the animals and us girls took to the road for two weeks...  In the middle of our trip - I got a call from my mom.  She told me that my dad was in the hospital and that they expected him to be out in a couple of days.... He was having difficulty breathing thru his trache (breathing tube - he had lost his tongue to tongue cancer a couple of years prior) - she said not to worry and to enjoy my vacation....  At first I wasn't too concerned because he had been in and out of the hospital  many times in the past year....  But as the days went by - my dad wasn't leaving the hospital.....  When I arrived home - I rushed to the hospital - there was my dad.... I think he was waiting for me and my other sister who lived on the East coast.....  My dad was dying... He had his eyes open but he could not see...  He knew I was there and reached out his hand to me... Three days later - my dad was gone...

As a kid - teen - young adult - It was impossible for me to envision the death of a parent...  Parents were a part of my life - they had ALWAYS been there....  I took for granted that my parents would be there when I needed them... I never been without them - so the concept of them being gone forever - I just could not wrap my mind around it.....

You say to yourself when a loved one passes that you are going appreciate the ones in your life even more... You say that you will never take them for granted again...  Well, what's the saying about good intentions...  "Good intentions pave your path to Hell"......  Well - I've paved that path and today - I feel as guilty as Hell....

Last week - a dear friend of my family died....  He was as close to a dad as I could have had when I was a little girl... His family and mine met in the late 1960's - we were there for each other during the tough times.. As the years went  by we drifted apart...  Connecting again at my dad's bedside.... Maria the wife and mom left us a couple of years ago (after my dad)....  So now Carlos, Maria, and my dad  are together in Heaven talking about the "good ole days'...  This Saturday - I will be at the funeral of Carlos to honor him and his 5 sons and their families... What a beautiful legacy Carlos and Maria gave to this world.....

On Monday of this week - our family received devastating news... My husband's father DY has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer....  The doctors gave him 3-9 months...  As shocked as our family is - I can't imagine what is going on through DY's mind...  But knowing DY as I do - I'm betting he and his wife of over 51 years are making each day count...  I used to describe DY as the man that would go into an elevator with a bunch of strangers and leave with a bunch of new friends...

I don't want to think about DY not being here with us... He is a man that golfs every day...  He is a man that loves his sons - granddaughters - wife - daughter in laws.. He's been all over the world...  He is still madly in love with his college sweetheart... He loves God..  He has never met a stranger..... He's been a healthy vibrant man and to think.... No not today.....

I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on much this week...  I realized that I was internalizing much when I went to the dentist on Wednesday morning. Having a mental breakdown in the dental chair was a big clue- You know the kind of crying that just makes you look ugly?  Snot starting to form - mouth contorted like Gumby - tears running down - yep that was me...  My poor dentist thought it was because I needed a new crown...  So he patted me on the head and said for me to come back when I was less stressed....  On Thursday when I was sharing this story to my therapist - I said that I had felt gross as well... she asked why.. and then I realized that I had not taken a shower in 5 days... Yep - I was a gross stinky dirty haired mess......

Talking to friends... Looking at Face Book posts of friends - it hit me...  We're at the age when people we love start to die....  This part of growing up just sucks.......

My Mind Is A Traffic Jam....

Last week I was in therapy.. Yes, I admit that I can not do it alone right now...  I was diagnosed with situational depression..  Meaning there are certain things in my life that have caused this depression and hopefully when things slow down.. I'll be cured....  Well in a manner of speaking.. I will still be the crazy perimenopausal woman that I am today but with less sadness... Or so they say....

Okay - well back to  my original thought... Last week in therapy....  I realized that my mind is a traffic jam - much like the 405 FWY during rush hour with an overturned semi-truck leaking radioactive fluids all over the flipping place...... Basically I'm a big ole mess and some things just have to go....  But what????

Do I remove my kids???  Nope - like many moms, I would love a break on occasion but basically my kids keep me sane.. Okay that's a lie... my kids drive me freaking INSANE... but I love them - I want to be there with them....  They are my reason for being on this Earth... and I do know that one day - they will appreciate me... one day...

Do I kick out the husband??  Well.... After 24 years of marriage I'm kind of used to him but I do have a fantasy that I hope to make a reality one day... Ever see the movie Eat, Pray, Love??  Well, I want to go to New Orleans - Washington DC - NYC...  I want to stay in each destination for four months and come back a new woman after a year...  So on my "To Do" list after the last kid is out - I'm off.... So I say now....

Do I close my business??  Honestly, I have given this question much thought.. There are many pros and cons to both sides...  Can we survive without my income? Well, Yes we can....  Can we live like we do now - Well, no we could not....   So the decision - I made on this front is to S L O W down.. I don't need to accept every client that calls me...  I don't have to work 7 days a week 12 hours a day...  So I'm trying to expect less from myself on this...  I'm a work in progress and I have to accept that the less work I do - the less money I will make...  I'm struggling with being okay with that......

Do I stop being a woman/mom/wife/caregiver?  That really is the question isn't it?  With the role I have chosen - there are many responsibilities....  And with those responsibilities there are expectations.  Many I have placed on myself... Some by my husband..  A few by my kids... I need to delegate - say "no" - and the big word my therapist is trying to have me say to the kids when they want me to do their stuff... "bummer".. Haven't quite mastered that one  yet....

One thing that I know I need more of is Faith.  Faith to carry me through this traffic jam - I call my life...  So many challenges have hit home in the last few months...  My oldest being diagnosed with bi-polar....  My health is not what it should be for  a 47 year old woman - I have a bunch of tests coming up shortly... worrying about my mom and the pain she is going through.. My sister suffering from MS symptoms.. My other sister so far away and not seeing her and realizing that we are both getting older and life does not stand still until the time we make time to live....  and now today - my father in-law being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with a very short life expectancy.... It's hard to imagine him not being in our lives... He has been a  huge presence....  Knowing that I will have to be strong for the husband and kids... Knowing that I can't have my breakdown yet.... Wanting to squeeze as much time and memories I can from my dad in law...  He is a good man - a good father - a good grandfather - a good husband..

 I need to not lose faith - especially when at this moment I am really pissed off at God.......