A Fist Full Of Sleeping Pills and A Bottle of Benadryl

   



"You won't have to worry about me soon enough."  cryptic words uttered by my eldest Sunday morning...  Soon after several notebook pages were left face up in the trash - obviously left there for our inspection....  This is what we found....

6 pages with the word DEATH -
2 pages Death is Happiness
6 pages Death a thing to Beauty

My Second Chance

Death

A Thing of Beauty

This is my second chance

at happiness

No,

Not a plea for attention

only a cry for mercy

on this wretched soul

Only 

One way to find out

the feeling

of leaving your body

A Doorway to

The other side

Heaven won't have me

and Hell is full

Happiness

I think I've fount it

I just have to shake hands with 

Death

Monday was a good day for my eldest - she had fun with friends at school...  She came home and watched an episode of one of her favorite shows... Consumed one of her favorite dinners...  Went to her karate class and enjoyed herself.... Went out for a yogurt after class... All in all a good day...  So I was surprised when she asked to speak with me privately...

My eldest walked into my room with a fist full of sleeping pills that she stole from me - about 20 pills and a full bottle of Benadryl pills..  She advised me that she planned on taking the pills after school today but decided against it.  She said that she wanted to sleep forever but did not want to know what comes after death....  I did not know what to say - this was not our first thoughts of suicide dance... The next day I called her counselor - who was very concerned - he had recently lost a patient to suicide.. In my heart of hearts I did not and still do not believe my kid had any intention of killing herself...  I believe that she takes things to the highest level not taking into consideration the ramifications of her words and/or actions... 

 I may have believed she wanted to die if she wasn't constantly laughing at TV shows... or if she wasn't constantly eating crap... or if her reasons for death didn't change every two minutes... One minute it's because she's sad and wants to leave this Earth... The next minute she just wants to know what it feels like...  Her and her friends genre is death - it's a popular way of life/liking...  I have several friends that like the dark side - it interests them - it doesn't mean that they want to die....  My kid's immaturity can't find a filter on how far to take things.... so she goes too far...

After the counselor spoke with my daughter - he believed she most likely was being dramatic for attention -  but to be on the safe side he called a Centralized Assessment Team (CAT) to assess the situation.  My husband spoke with the team and after a very detailed discussion they too believed that my kid was not at risk due to her current behavior - the lack of consistency and many other things...

For most of this entire year - I have felt like my daughter's mental illness was my fault.. Some how I did a really crappy job raising her...  I must have done something so horrendous... She wasn't getting better...  She acted out whenever she did not get her way or she was caught in the act of something wrong...  I think the biggest eye opener for me was last May when she was put on restriction - so she went up to her room and found a razor blade and cut about 20 shallow cuts into her arm - deep enough to make blood run down her arms and then she came downstairs to get something to eat out of the kitchen - with the full intent of showing me what "I" made her do....  She knows now that her cutting doesn't "get to me" any longer so she stopped... Now it's the talk of death.... If she doesn't get what she wants or gets caught doing something wrong (ie: stealing) - she talks about death and implies that she will take her life.... 

There are many reasons I have been writing about my experience in this blog - I realized that I can't be the only mother going through this and from the responses I have received from many of my readers - I know that I am not alone.  I have read some very wonderful emails and comments from other parents who have gone thru the same thing and now their kid's life is good....  It doesn't have to end badly..  I also use this blog as my outlet...  Because honestly at this point in this journey - I am exhausted...  I have to let it out somehow and it's better here in writing then going bonkers at my family...

If you are a prayer warrior - Please pray for  my kid... thanks

We Sent Our Daughter To A Wilderness Camp

The first letter I received....  " I hate it here - I hate the weather - I hate the bugs - I hate the dirt.  I have to pee in a hole.. And how the  Hell am I suppose to take a dump standing up?????"

The 2nd letter I received.... " I cry all the time..  Please come get me - I promise to be a better daughter..  I've been in a camp with only counselors - I can't talk to the other girls until I make a backpack, make a spoon, and bust a coal (make fire).  I hate it here!"

The 3rd letter I received.... " I am now with the other girls - they are very nice.  I think I may have a new friend she likes the same music I do.  We hiked to the top of a mountain - I was going so fast up the hill that the counselors said I rocked.  I fell down the trail and sprained my ankle but I still pushed through it.  I feel proud of myself- I miss and love you"

The 4th letter I received... " We slept under the stars last night - it was so beautiful.  I am really sorry for a lot of the stuff I've done and I hope that we can work through this..  The hikes are very funny - we sing a lot and talk about very random things that are hilarious. One of the girls here had a token ceremony and trail name - I want a trail named after me someday.  I love you to Saturn and back."

The 5th week letter I received... "I am realizing that my depression isn't who I am but a feeling that I get.  I am learning different ways to get out of my head.  I busted a coal and had ramon with a maple spice it was delicious. I was co-leader in my group this week.  I plan the hike and give out chores for the girls to do when we set up camp."

The 6th week letter I received in person....  This is the week that we spent a day with our girl...  We arrived in Lehi, Utah on a Sunday night.  On Monday we attended an all day seminar on better communication skills and Tuesday we drove over 2 hours in a 4x4 all terrain vehicle to the middle of nowhere...  When we arrived at our destination - one of the counselors met us at the road.  He was telling us how much our girl has developed in the past few weeks.  He said that she had been a leader and the girls respected her....  He said that when the girls were showing disrespect to a counselor she stepped in and said that the disrespect was not okay (she would NEVER had done this before).. He said that she found her voice and is learning that she is worth much more than she had thought...  The counselor handed us a "bullroarer".  It was basically a piece of wood on a string..  We were to swing it in the air until it makes a loud whooshing sound..  Our daughter will hear that sound and swing her bullroarer in response so that we could find her (no words are used - just the sound of the bullroarer)....  After about 3 attempts of whooshing back and forth....  I see a pair of legs behind a tree...  All of a sudden - these legs start running and a very familiar voice is calling out "Daddy.... Mommy"  Then the most massive and longest hugs to ever hold my body came from my beautiful girl.  She wasn't mad...  She was happy to see us.. She was thankful that we loved her so much that we sent her here to this desert in the middle of Utah......

She was on a "solo" camp.  This happens shortly before a parent visit happens.  This gives the child time to think and plan without outside interference.  Her campsite was about 100 yards from the others...  It was very primitive.  She carried everything she used - sleeping bag, tarps, clothes, food, and necessitates. She cooked her own meals - she learned to do EVERYTHING on her own....  I was shocked on how much she had accomplished..  I was in awe of this incredibly self sufficient young woman in front of me....  We talked and loved each other... She performed a token and trail ceremony for her dad and I and gave us each a token representing how she felt about us...  It was a beautiful and moving experience..  Seeing tears well up in my husband's eyes confirmed that we were all affected by this transformation and special day...  Before dark we had to leave our girl at her solo site - she cried....  I walked away in tears... But I knew that I would see her again.....

The 7th letter I received .... "I think about you more than ever. I think about how much you must love me.  I think about how hard it must have been for you to send me out here and I am so grateful that you did because it helped me reflect on my past behaviors and actions and I am learning to make better decisions.  I have come so far from the girl that came here 8 weeks ago.  I know I have a long way to go and grow but I am optimistic and I look forward to my future.  I was put on an extended solo camp - this is an honor and privilege because it means that I have come to a point in my recovery that I know what I need to do.  My therapist gave me several assignments to work on.  She also wrote me a beautiful letter.  I do have to say that I am nervous about coming home - I don't want to mess up and fail.  I like the person I am now and I want to continue to grow..  Oh - I had a trail named after me - the girls voted and my trail name is Persistent Rose.  They come up with a bunch of adjectives and nouns that describe me and vote them down to a final name.  Here is a poem I wrote



The following week she was surprised to find out that she was coming  home....  She has been home for two weeks today.  I see many positive changes..  She does miss her Outback Wilderness Camp.  She misses the connections she made with all the other girls, counselors, and therapist.  Every day I pray that we as a family will continue to grow in love - tolerance - objectivity.  We are a great family filled with very much love and I am optimistic to what our future holds...

This is when both of our daughters saw each other for the 1st time at the airport - find a Kleenex.