I Planned For The Wedding... But Not The Marriage

In Four months I will be celebrating my 23rd wedding anniversary.... This anniversary will say that I have been married to the same guy for half my life... It's hard to believe that I've been married this long... It's harder to believe that I am not a statistic of divorce.... Especially since I have filed for divorce two times....

You see, I married my husband not because I loved him.... I married him because I was afraid... Not of him.. He is a good man.. I was afraid that I couldn't make it on my own... I did not believe in myself and I knew that D (the husband) loved me... I knew that D would always be successful - he is and has always been so blasted smart... And - another reason I said yes to the ring - Was I wanted a wedding.. Every girl dreams of her wedding... I think I spent more time thinking about the wedding day and not so much on what I wanted from the marriage... D and I never discussed what we wanted in a marriage... and to be honest I never thought about it... but I thought a lot about the wedding.. the color theme... the dress.. the bridesmaids.. the honeymoon...

I remember on our honeymoon - we were walking to a cab and he took my hand in his and at that moment I knew I had made a big mistake... And poor D - I spent almost half my life making him pay for it... One of the main reasons I started blogging a couple of years ago was to hold myself accountable... I had decided to try to love my husband - After 20 years of marriage I thought it was about time... So I started The 40 day Love Dare - I was more surprised than anyone when I found myself falling in love with D for the first time. The book helped me to understand what love is... and when I practice love - I feel it.. I want to show it... share it...

Loving someone can be much like working out at the gym... It can be brutal - often times so tiring you can barely walk that sounded kind of wrong - ha but the end result is that you are healthier.. You have more energy... Your outlook is brighter and your mind is more clear... but once you stop the routine of working out.. the routine of loving your spouse it gets so difficult to start up again and you keep putting it off and putting it off and before you know it you have gained all your weight back.. And you have lost that loving feeling and you could sometimes careless if you ever get it back....

I believe love is more of an action than a feeling... Love is kind.. Love is never rude... Love is accountable... Love wants to understand... Love wants to heal.. Love is a choice...



So where am I today???? I want to love D... and lately it's been really hard... I know I've been extremely unlovable myself... D and I are two very stubborn people and we are not ones to give up without a fight because if we did give up easily - one of those two divorce petitions would have stuck... Love is worth fighting for.. And after almost 23 years of marriage - I'm still not done fighting...