If the average stranger looked at my family - my home - our life style they would most likely think that we have a great life. We are one of the lucky ones..... I would have agreed a little over a year ago but today - No, I would say looks can be deceiving... On the outside - I have a beautiful home.... I have two beautiful daughters... I have a respected and successful husband and a great dog and cat.... But this is only the surface.... This is only a beautiful book cover to a family wrecked by death, mental illness, sickness, martial struggles, and loss of hope at times.....
As a mother - wife - sister - daughter - follower of Christ - I have completely and utterly lost my way... I no longer believe that I can make things better - I don't believe that I can "fix" it! I have a very hard time believing that God is even paying attention to me.... my family... It's seems to me that all I have been getting is more bad news on top of more bad news.... Last week I was told that I have to let go and let God take control of my daughter who suffers from bi-polar and has succeeded in creating a constant battle ground at our home..... The lies - the stealing - the constant tempers - the intense hatred of a father that loves her. Our entire family walks on eggshells to avoid her wrath.... I keep this mantra going in my mind that she will be 18 soon and she can go.... But in reality could I just abandon my daughter? Could I really set her on her own with nothing to fall back on?
I sound like a broken recording - this is something I say so so often... "All I want from you is for you to do your best, love your family, be kind, and show respect. - that's all that you need to do to stay home and we will pay for your education and all this is needed to succeed.... Continue to steal from us - scream at us - destroy our home - There won't be a choice - You will leave." My daughter's therapist advised me that my kid does know what I expect.... She knows... So I can stop saying my little spiel and just let her live her life.... Praise her when she does good and briefly acknowledge the bad behavior and move on.... don't grab onto it and run it into the ground.... I'm Irish and that's a very difficult thing for me not to do.... but in all honestly I've been trying - and sometimes I fail..
I most definitely failed when I tossed her new baked chocolate cake into the sink after I watched her continually lick her fingers and smooth the frosting - all over the friggin cake!!! I was gagging..... No flipping way was anyone eating that drool infected cake... I asked her to stop putting her licked fingers in the cake and she denied she was doing it and freaked out on me - at that moment I wished I had a camera - the atomic bomb went off on me so I proceeded to toss the cake.... I digressed into a cake drowning in the sink lunatic....there is only so much drool a person can watch landing on a cake before enough enough!
Lately my youngest daughter has been depressed... With so much attention going towards #1 daughter I can understand... I like to think that #2 and I spend a lot of quality time together.. She is my snuggle bunny and I adore her... Don't get me wrong she is a 15 year old girl and with that comes the typical 15 year old obstacles but over the most part - she is my best friend.. Sometimes I feel that she and I have been in the trenches together this past year... I believe this year has been very tough on her - she lost her best friend/sister to a mental illness that she cannot control.... There was a time when those two girls were each others confident.. protector... This is no longer true.... When my oldest came back from Wilderness Camp in September of this year- the girls hugged and kissed and cried... So thankful to be together again... Many promises were made.... Within a month those hopes and dreams disappeared like so many other promises....
My husband's dad Darrell is dying.... Last January he was given 6-9 months to live if he underwent chemotherapy - which he did - now we are in November and cancer has definitely showed up.. I am thankful that from January to beginning of October Darrell was doing great! He went clamming with his sons and beautiful wife... He played cards with friends - Made some great meals and had a great appetite. The chemo is over - the radiation battered his body and today he is doing the best he can to stay positive and optimistic.. Not only is this really hard on my husband Dusty - it's terrifying for both my girls... Their "poppa" has been a huge part of their life and see this strong happy joyful man decline before their eyes - it's definitely a reason for depression and sadness...
I'm not sure what is next... I know we have to ride out this storm and hope for the best.... I know that I have to support my oldest and help her if she will let me but not push it and hope and pray that she will realize that I am on her side... I want my baby to lose this depression and to not be overwhelmed and know that she is so important and loved and valued... I need to pay attention to my words and actions much better..... I need to be strong for him in the coming days.... I need a break..... I need God but wonder how to find Him again......
I Need to stop Worrying and just let it Go!
Kelly L., I wish I could put my problems into words as beautifully as you have here. Mine are different yet as intense and difficult and I know it would be healing if I could write and share how mental illness in a family member has destroyed our home and family too, for others to understand. People have no idea and often don't care to know about the mountains some of us climb daily just to survive. I couldn't make it half way through your story without bawling. I did actually think your life was pretty near perfect, in most of the ways mine isn't. I struggle with thinking everyone else has a perfect life and even if they know my pain they don't really care. Goes to show we all have our problems and things are not always as they appear. Hang in there my sweet friend. God is with you even when you feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Kelly. Mental illness is such a terrible thing to deal with. I have no words but I will pray.
ReplyDelete