"Mom - You Are Over Protective"

One of the battles I often have with my 14 year old daughter is that she believes I am "over-protective" and I just might be... And that's okay with me.. As a parent we know our kids... We know their maturity... their thought process (or at least we try)... We know the quality of friends they have... We know how much responsibility they can handle... We know how much "freedom" they can take and with that freedom what kind of choices they will typically make.... It is my responsibility as my daughters' mom to help lead them in the right directions... To hold them accountable when they make bad choices... To praise them when they rise to the occasion... To believe and encourage them as they mature....

If that makes me Over Protective - So Be It!

Sometimes You Gotta Piss Off Teach Them A Lesson

On the last day of school before Christmas vacation - I allowed my high schooler to skip her last class... The only activity in that class that day was a movie to pass the period - so I thought "why not?"

When school started up on Monday - I gave her the absence excuse letter to turn into the office... Tuesday evening comes and the school calls me advising me that my daughter was marked as truant and if her absence was not a truant to please be sure to have a signed note from the parent sent in no later than Thursday morning..... On Wednesday morning - I told her to go straight to the office and turn the note in.... I said to mark her hand to remind her.....

This morning on the way to school - I asked her if she turned the note in... And again she forgot... Soooooooo - I told her that I will walk with her to the office to turn the note in to make sure that it gets done...

Daughter: "No, Mom!!!!"

Me: "Yep - I've been telling you to turn it in since Monday."

Daughter: (I wish I could have taken her picture.. hee hee) "No, Mom - Please - I'll bring it to the office......"

Me: "No, I'm walking you to the office because next time I ask you to do something - you will remember..."

Daughter: (Gets out of car and starts walking very fast ahead of me)

Me: "Nik, if you continue to storm ahead me and show attitude with me - I will embarrass you more...."

Daughter: (She slows down)

We walk into the school office - they advise her to put the note in a box and to make sure her student ID number is on it..

Daughter: (she tosses the note in the basket)

Me: "Is your ID number on it?"

Daughter: (very loudly and disrespectfully) "I don't know, you wrote it!"

Me: "Well, they just told you to make sure your ID number is on it - so don't you think the best thing to do would be to check?"

Daughter: (smoke is coming out of her ears) "I didn't know..."

Me: (thinking "huh?" - picks up note "What is your ID number"

Daughter: (she tells me too fast... again too fast.... again I can't understand her.. Her attitude is beyond respectful and she is starting to cause a scene and many of the workers are looking at her...)

Me: "Nik, If you don't want this to happen again - be sure to turn your note in on time."

Daughter: (turns her back on me and storms out into the quad)

One of the things that I have learned about this particular daughter is that her appearance is more important than anything else to her.... And I knew that my walking with her to the office (sans make up - hair in a ponytail - and very uncool clothes) would embarrass her... It doesn't matter that no one is paying attention.... I think at this age - they assume everyone is watching them.... I have a pretty good idea that she will do her best for this to not happen again..

What have you done to Piss off teach your kid a lesson?

God, Cover My Mouth Please.......

I have come to the conclusion I have a BIG mouth.... Sometimes all the time I just start going and the next thing I know - I have been ranting for an hour... I can't stop the flow of words from coming out... I have often thought it would be great if God would reach down from Heaven and cover my mouth and say "Be Silent!"

I was having lunch with my mom the other day and as we were talking I realized that she did not lecture me when I was growing up... If I was bad - I would know it - simply by her disappointed tone and her words... Her words were short and simple. I remember hating that I disappointed her and promising myself I would do better... My dad on the other hand - would go on and on and on.... He would work himself up into a full on anger fest.. Many times the offense was something as small as putting an empty milk carton back into the refrigerator... I grew up fearing my dad - not knowing when he would explode over a little thing... He was unpredictable... and I realized - that many times in my anger - I was dad.... I lecture... I yell and my kids would tune me out... My kids don't fear me - they humored me and looking back I think know they were also losing respect for me....

A little while ago - I decided no more yelling... no more lectures. Already - I see a huge difference - not only in my kids' behavior but also in my stress level.. I have realized that my girls know what needs to be done in school - they also know right from wrong... I have let go of trying to control results... I have also loosened the apron strings a tad more.... I will continue to be involved in their studies.. their activities... And I will always be a parent - teaching right from wrong... holding them responsible for their actions.. Praising them on their accomplishments.. Loving them unconditionally... The difference now - is no more lecturing.. no more yelling..

Yesterday as we were driving home from school - my oldest asked me if I was able to see her grades on line... I replied that yes they were finally up - this is our conversation - it opened my eyes to many things...

Nicole: "Did you check to see if my grades were posted on line yet?"

Me: " Yes, they are there - you have all Cs and one D." I said very calmly..

Nicole: " Are you mad?"

Me: "No, I do know that you can do better - you are right on the border of
getting B's in 3 of the classes and the D you are less than a percent
away from a C"

Nicole: "Are you mad? I'm really sorry - I will do better."

Me: "I'm not mad. I told you I'm done with yelling and getting mad about your
grades. You are a very smart girl and if you want to raise them up you
can."

Nicole: "I'm really sorry - please don't be mad!"

Me: "I am not mad - really I'm not - do I sound mad?"

Nicole: "You sound normal but-I think I'd rather have you yelling at me because then I would know for sure you care."

Me: "I care and I know you can make it better - I know you - you like to have
good grades." (she has always had an A average)

Nicole: "Yes, I do. I'm really sorry - I will raise them to As and Bs"

This conversation really showed me that I have been putting too much importance in the results of their efforts rather than the efforts they are making... Nicole's grades have improved since the beginning of the year - she no longer has the ability to text on her cell and she has realized that the texting she had done at the beginning of the school year in class really did damage her grades - she is trying to catch up and I am proud of her efforts.... and Yes, I told her that - several times.... But I did not lecture about it.... :)

When Parents Don't Get It...

When I was a child - there were expectations of me.... I was to be respectful to adults.. I was to say "please" and "thank you".... I was to behave myself... I remember my mom pinching me during church service when I was getting a little too wiggly or in my case a lot of wiggly... That's just the way it was back then - Parents controlled their kids - If you went to a restaurant and a child started to act up - one or both of the parents would take that child out of the room - they would not continue to eat their food and not care about others.... that just wasn't done... We as children learned at a very young age to "not touch" what wasn't ours... We knew not to run around a home that was not ours - we just knew because our parents took it upon themselves to parent us..... they sacrificed their wants and needs to make sure they we were presentable to others... That others would not be burdened by our bad behavior...

My husband and I were pretty much on the same page when it came to parenting. We believed in creating an environment that was both happy and healthy but also had boundaries... Kids need boundaries... I believe they want boundaries. Right from the beginning they were both on a sleeping schedule - maybe I was lucky that both girls were good sleepers... maybe - I know that a schedule helped me to be a better parent and the girls knew what to expect... We took them to restaurants from the time they were newborns and when they got older they would quietly color -we never had to leave - not once. We took them to friends' homes - we brought our own snacks and toys to entertain them and if they started to get cranky then we knew it was time to go.. One of my favorite things to do was take the double stroller and we would go to the mall and window shop and afterward we would go to the food court where they would get a happy meal.. I can honestly say that I enjoyed my kids... others did too. It is such a compliment when a stranger comes up to you and says "thank you for having good girls" that has happened more than once.... I think the only time my kids acted up was when they visited their grandparents because with Nana and Papa - there were no boundaries but there was a lot of candy, ice cream, games, and constant attention.. constant stimulation which caused a few melt downs...

I'm not saying we are perfect parents - so very far from it but I will say that being a parent who actually parents was and is a priority to us.... That is why I have such a hard time understanding why some parents just don't get it.... They complain how difficult it is to bring their kids places and when they do - they allow the kids to run around a restaurant or a friends' home. They allow the kids to get into things and when something breaks they tell the friend "You should have put it away or up" That just irks me... No, it's not the friend's responsibility to "kid proof" their home - it's the parents' responsibility to train their children...

My Kids Are Night and Day...

It is funny to me how my children can be so different from each other..... They are both raised in the same home.. the same parents... the same values... the same rules.... the same love - but they are as different as night and day...

One loves anything chocolate - the other is NOT a chocolate fan.

One loves to run and play and has a lot of energy - the other would rather watch TV

One loves to spend time with me.. all the time - the other rather be alone.

One is a joyful helper - the other rather be helped...

One has a great attitude - the other has a storm brewing overhead...

Today - I had to take a privilege away - a privilege that my troubled one claims to love.... But because of her horrible attitude and disrespect to her coach she can no longer play tennis... There has been months of warnings... months of second and third and fourth time chances to make it right.... Today - I had to discipline.... and I hate it...... Being a parent is tough - Not knowing if you are making the right decisions can be heart breaking.....

Today, I am praying for the knowledge and words to enter the heart of my negative one... I see she is lonely..... I see that her negative attitude has prevented her from having a lot of happiness and friends... She has so many wonderful gifts - she is smart... she is funny..... she has a giving and loving heart.... I wish she knew what a treasure she is......