One of my favorite things about Christmas is giving gifts... I love that much more than receiving... Crazy - I know... There are people in my life that I love and I will spend weeks.. months.. looking for the perfect gift.... There are also people in my life that are not into the gift giving thing and that's okay... Sometimes it's best not to give a gift because the other person may feel obligated to reciprocate and that's a gift that I so do not want..... The OBLIGATION Present.... I hate those!
I have to say - When I receive a present that is obviously an "obligation" gift it does hurt my feelings... I know some might say "suck it up" or "get over it".... Hurt feelings may be viewed as greed but it's not the item I am hurt over but the lack of thought that was put into it... I hope I don't sound like the kid who got clothes for Christmas rather than the IPOD touch with 1000 applications to play with.... Because that is not my intention... The best way I can describe this is that: The obligation gift could be a snow hat and gloves for someone that lives in Hawaii.. There's a gift... yep... But did the giver give any thought? I may be sensitive but I see that as a shout of "I don't care enough about you to think about you... but I have to get you something... so here goes....."
Obligation gifts are much like obligation "Let's get together"... A friend may say let's go to the movies... or lunch.. or whatever.. and you try several times to connect and the friend is not available or "doesn't know if they are available and will get back to you".... You never hear back but you find out that friend went out with someone else that particular time... It's the "I will do something with you ONLY if there is nothing else to do.." People can be careless and in that carelessness they are hurting others and they probably do not have a clue they are doing so...
This year I am going to try to be more aware of what I do and say... The gifts I give.. The casual promises and comments I make... I do not want to make anyone feel they are an Obligation to me...
When I was a kid our family watched television together... There was one TV in the house and I was the human remote control... We later had a remote that clicked up and clicked down.(I'm thinking that is where the term "clicker" came from) It is very difficult for my kids to understand or imagine that we had one TV not several and no one - I mean no one had a computer in their home and cell phones (except for the phone in Maxwell Smart's shoe...) - were not invented yet....
The shows we watched backed then were very different than they are today - married people on sitcoms were just starting to share a bed... Father Knew Best and Pa moved his family to a Little Prairie near Walnut Grove, Archie liked his chair and The Jeffersons were moving on up..... I believe the world... my world was still innocent... still family oriented... still had morals...
Today - I think TV shows confuse our kids... Shows like One Tree Hill, The Secret Life of An American Teen, and many others like that - make it look normal... desirable.. to sleep around in high school... The show confuses sex with love.... with romance...
This morning my girls and I were talking about romance... love.. I told them I still remember the most romantic night of my life.... My thirteen year old automatically thought I was talking about sex... It's funny to watch my daughter get grossed out when my husband/her dad get all lovey dovey... We will often hear comments like "Get a Room" or something like that...
Both of my girls were very surprised that my "most romantic" night did not involve sex..... I remember that night like it was yesterday... My boyfriend surprised me by taking me to the Queen Mary. We had a great time exploring this grand ship... We went into areas that we weren't suppose to... that was part of the adventure... Later we were up walking on the deck -hand in hand - talking about nothing.... talking about everything.. and we heard the song off in the distance... A Kiss is Just a Kiss.... A sigh is just a sigh..... We drew closer to the music and walked into an old fashion piano bar... He took my hand and we danced to the music... I never wanted the evening to end... That's it... that is all we did... and over twenty-two years later I still remember that night.. That to me is romance...
I want my kids to know the difference between love/romance and sex.. I believe because of society's lazy daisy view of premarital sex and the various TV shows that make it appear to mean so little..... it is up to me as the parent to to teach them.. By my faith.... by my experience.... by my honesty...
Like many women and/or men - I can be hot headed when it comes to my kids. I may react before I think... When someone hurts my kids - I can get angry... and today I reacted in a very immature fashion and posted my anger on my status on Face Book.. Yes, that was completely wrong... but I do have to say - that the person I was angry with is not on Face Book and I did not expect nor did I think I would anger anyone with my stupid status... I immediately was proven wrong. Someone did get offended and I am sorry for that....
One of the things I like about blogging is that if I need to - I can vent... I can vent to my heart's content and the focus of my anger will not be affected... After I am done venting... I can return to a healthy and sometimes healthier relationship... and in doing this - I have not hurt nor have I done harm to the person I am angry with... I get it out - I get it done....and my anger dissipates. I think this is healthy.... at least it is what works for me....I have no desire to get into a battle... nor do I desire to defend myself.... I am angry - I have a right to be. People say and do stupid things - I know I am guilty... God knows, I am.. But I do try not to lash out - I vent by blogging..... eating too much.... listening to Zeppelin... or saying something stupid on Face book...
I am a firm believer that adults need to handle themselves with maturity and not get into tit for tats with children... I am a firm believer that a child should find security in their parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles... I am a firm believer that two (2) wrongs do not make a right.... I am not blind to my kids' faults and teenage angst and attitudes. But an adult needs to not yell at a child... or criticize a child... or break promises to a child... I know no one is perfect- I totally get that... But when a mistake is made.... a real "I'm sorry" will do... followed by behavior that matches the humility of the situation...
I am by no means making excuses for my kids' behavior or lack of respect.... They should be corrected... But the correction Must be done out of maturity.... Must be done the right way....And when a child sincerely apologizes - the apology should be accepted and not turned away. A sincere apology should not be used for additional fuel to berate... To get crankier... angrier and yelling will Never make it right... It only makes things worse.. As adults it is our responsibility to set an example on how to deal with conflict...
There are many sides to a story... and I am sure every side has a completely different version and outlook... I may not have all the facts (I probably don't)... That is why I will not pick up the phone and confront the person I am angry with... It would not do anyone any good... Yes I am angry on what I do know... What I have seen in the past.... When a behavior has happened before it is very easy to expect the same behavior to happen again.... But I will let it go.... I will eat a cookie.. turn on Stairway to Heaven and finish this post..... and when I am done festering - I will be ready to be forgiving.... and forgetful.... and ready to be a grown up once more.....
I was listening to a lecture not too long ago about the roles of husbands and wives and one of the comments that stood out like a beacon to me was this - "You'll hear things like he is a lousy husband but he's a great dad - but in reality if he's not a great husband it is impossible for him to be a great dad."
Parents are the main role models for their children and if one or both spouses do not treat each other with love and understanding then how will their children learn? Growing up my dad was a very loud and vocal kind of person - quick to anger - quick to yell - quick to accuse - very slow to acknowledge his own mistakes if he ever did - very slow to apologize if he ever did.... My mom - I believe tried to take care of us kids without gaining the attention or wrath of my dad.... He was a fearsome man...
When my temper flares - I can hear my dad speaking through me and that is something I do not want to hear.... ever.. I do know because of my faith - I am quick to apologize and I am quick to acknowledge my mistakes but I am also very quick to yell.... I have gotten better and I am still working on it.... My husband on the other hand takes after both of his parents - he just shuts down - does not know how to communicate - I can physically see his eyes glaze over whenever a conflict arises... We both inherited not the best characteristics from our parents... and our children have a high risk of inheriting them too....
As a mother I want it all for my kids - the best of everything - spiritually, life fulfilling, and everything that is good... I want my girls to one day marry a man that lifts them up - that treasures them.. that loves them... I want my girls to believe they deserve it and in return I want my girls to know how to love with all their heart. I don't want my girls to yell or shut down- I want them to handle conflict differently - live differently...better... and they learn all that from me and their dad......
The other day I was complaining to my husband about the emails I get from some friends. You know the kind that has a heartwarming video that lasts FOREVER.... or the read this and pass it on to 100 friends and your dreams will come true... and of course the gazillion jokes... To be honest - I usually delete the forwarded emails and videos before reading them.... I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME.... The same thing with Face Book - I love to connect with friends old and new but I refuse to accept the applications - the Farmville, the Mafia Squad, the eggs, the save the planet, and hugs.. and poke - What is that- anyway? I discreetly delete and go my way....
Today - I received an email -this time from my husband and of course I HAD TO OPEN THIS ONE.... Dusty's quick heading was "Something to think about"
This explains why we forward jokes:
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.' They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.... When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.' Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.... Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today, and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!
Okay - definitely something to think about when I hit the delete button.... I'm just saying...
The other day my two daughters and I were talking - talking about anything..... everything.. I just love those kinds of talks.. don't you... We talked about school, dating (scary), God, vacations, make up, and boys..... We talked about what it was like for me growing up.... They were both pretty shocked when they discovered that I did not have a cell phone (they were not invented yet), a computer, or an ipod... Technology has improved quite a bit since I was a kid - the clothes have gotten much better too - but - the feelings, emotions, and insecurities of the "teenager" is the same... Listening to my girls talk about what they feel today could have been me thirty (30) years ago....
It is very difficult for the girls to imagine me being a teen or a kid - On more than one occasion one of them has said that I wouldn't understand because I was a grown up... It's hard for them to imagine me dating - having sleep overs with friends - getting in trouble with my parents - having a crush on a boy - being rejected by the same boy (s) - dreaming of the future.. To my kids, I'm mom - not a girl... not a woman....sometimes not a person - I'm just mom - and that's okay..... and it makes me laugh.... especially when they ask me for permission to marry when they are thirty (30)....
My dream for the future is to have a relationship similar to the one my sister Debbie has with her daughters.. To always be close... To always know there is love... To enjoy each other... and when my niece called my sister her hero - that just about made me ball like a baby.... This is my dream to be the mom that my kids can always count on through thick and thin..... and one day they might even discover that I was a girl once too.....
In my Sunday school class we are studying the book Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences this is a great study to help understand the differences between how women think and how men think... After 20 years of marriage, I am beginning to realize that God just programed us differently and if we make the effort to better understand those difference then we are must better off... I'm much better off..
One of the main points this study/book illustrates is that men are pretty much like waffles in the way that they put things/thoughts into boxes... They usually can only do one thing at a time... focus on one thing at at a time and they can do that one thing very well...... Women on the other hand are very much like spaghetti... Spaghetti? You may ask.. Well yes - and every mother that reads this will agree.. women are experts at multi-tasking - that's just what we do.... that is just how God intended us to be.. We can cook, clean, work, and change a diaper all at the same time.... This by no means is saying women are better than men.. we are not.. We are just created differently to compliment each other with our different ways of doing things...
I try very hard not to get frustrated when my husband walks by his pile of clean clothes to put away.... He is not purposely avoiding the clothes... he just doesn't see them when the Dodgers are playing on the boob tube... He is in his waffle/box and enjoying the game.... but if I ask him nicely to put them away during commercial break... no problem..
So this morning, when I was reading my daily news on line, I just had to laugh at this video of a dad at a ball game. Holding a small kid, a huge soda, and still managing to catch a fly ball.... I'm thinking this guy has a little spaghetti in him.... What do you think?
this is a great study to help understand the differences between how women think and how men think... After 20 years of marriage, I am beginning to realize that God just programed us differently and if we make the effort to better understand those difference then we are must better off... I'm much better off..