My Top 10 Marriage Saving Ideas....

My pastor once told me ... okay maybe more than once - that no on wants a divorce... We don't go into a marriage planning or hoping for a divorce... We want the happily ever after... I know I did.... I do not claim to be an expert on marriage... I'm really the polar opposite of an expert.. But I am a student - still trying after 22 years of marriage to make it right... One fact - I have learned is this... I can change me.... but no matter how hard I try - I can NEVER change Him.... But I can say is this - When I act with kindness - understanding - and love... I have seen a mirror reflection back from him...

TOP 10 MARRIAGE SAVERS

10. Get rid of parasites (stay away from) - Parasites is anything that takes you away from loving your spouse - addictions, pornography, drugs, unhealthy "friends and/or family that hurt your relationship...

9. Hold your tongue - if you want to say something sarcastic,rude, or something that is not constructive - DON'T - There is a lot of anger on both sides - angry words do not show you care - It shows that you are selfish...

8. Give up an activity that would normally take you away from your spouse for the sole purpose of spending time with him... ie: skip a girls night out... a work out...

7. Lose a disagreement - let him have his way... Let him know that you are putting him first.. He is more important than what you want.. You want him... (whether you feel this way or not - act like you do - your heart and mind will follow)

6. Find a therapist a commit to go for minimum of two months (every week). - preferably one that is pro marriage...

5. Write a letter to him - tell him when you knew you were in love with him... Your letter is a love story - Not about what is happening now... Bring yourself back to the place where you had butterflies in your belly.. and You wanted to spend you entire life with him... Talk about your wedding day - your hopes... your dreams.. for both of you...

4. Refrain from fighting... But if you have to "fight" - fight fair... Don't bring up the past.. You are in the here and now -

3. Sit together and watch the movie Fireproof - Get past the so-so acting.. I guarantee you that you will see yourself and your spouse in both characters...

2. Buy the book The Love Dare and do it for 40 days... Whether you feel like it or not - do it for 40 days...

1. Tell yourself everyday - I will love my husband today - whether I feel like it or not... I will show him I love him by random acts of kindness - give him my eyes when he talks.....

You need to fight for your marriage.. Too many people give up without trying and that's such a shame...

* many of the ideas are based on what I learned from The Love Dare...

High School Back To School Night

Last night was back to school night for my eldest daughter... I have to say high school has changed tremendously since I was in school... The subjects and expectations are far greater... I am not sure I could keep up with her schedule... I most definitely have gained a higher appreciation for the work that she does.. The plan was for the parents to walk to each period in the order my daughter goes... Meet the teacher for about 10 minutes and then walk to the next class.... Easier said... believe me...

First period - Spanish 2... This class is in the furthermost corner from where I drop her off in the morning - She is on the tennis team and needs to drop off her gear at the gym... I had 3 years of Spanish in high school and in this 2nd year my kid is taking - let's just say - it's much more advanced.

Second period - Algebra 1 - This class - is once again the farthest she could go and stay on campus... It's past the gym... She must get a work out everyday - I know I did... I don't remember half the stuff she is learning in Algebra - did Algebra get harder???

Third period - English - Now this is a class I would love to take - they will be reading To Kill A Mockingbird - one of my all time favorite books... As well as Shakespeare and Greek tragedies.. So much fun... I did learn last night that if my kid wants to go to a 4 year college - she must take AP or CP English next year.. To qualify for AP English - she must maintain an "A" with a percentage of 95% or higher both semesters - fill out an application AND write an essay - The English department will then review and advise... The competition is fierce....

Fourth period - Chemistry - I hated this class in school and I'm not sure this class has changed much.... Thankfully - my girl is getting it thus far...

Fifth period - World History - Now this class seemed like a lot of fun - I love love history - the teacher was witty and I know my student likes him - a lot - he makes her laugh while she is learning....

What is great about going to Back To School - is that I learned what is expected of my kid - Where she can get help - how the grading system works and a glimpse of what kind of person her teacher seems to be....

It's going to be a tough year for her - with tennis - she is home no earlier than 4:45 on non-game days and 6 - 7 on games days... and then she has in upwards of 3 hours of homework a night... Times have changed since the early 80's when I was in school but I am thankful there are many resources to help when it's needed......

Wish There Was An Exception Clause...

There is a man - I don't know his name... But I heard that this man risked his life to get a child out of a burning apartment building... He climbed three stories - broke down the apartment door - got hit in the back with fire debris - his hair caught on fire... He found the child in her mother's closet - all the way in the back... He coaxed the frightened child out... he tucked her in his shirt... He went down all the three flights of stairs.... breathing in and out the toxic smoke... He delivered the child to the paramedics that had just arrived.... Two hours later the man died from his injuries and smoke inhalation....

No one knew who this man was... One woman ventured to say, "He must be a Christian." That comment got me to thinking.... Just because someone does a good and brave thing - does that automatically make them a Christian??? There are many good people who would sacrifice their lives for others... I truly believe most people are good.... Watching TV a couple of weeks ago - I saw a bunch of strangers lifting a car that was on fire to drag a motorcyclist (they believed to be dead) out from under it... They did this because they believed it was the right thing to do... There is a good everywhere.... But does that mean they are Christians... Does it mean that they are going to Heaven???

I remember going to a funeral of a friend's dad a couple of years ago... I heard a mourner telling the widow - I'm sure he's in Heaven - He did so many good things... The widow responded - by telling the person - "Ryan would roll over in his grave if I ever said he was going to Heaven - he did not believe in God - refused to believe in God and would see it as an insult if I went around telling others that he did..." I knew Mr. Ryan and he was one of the nicest dads I had ever met... He loved his kids.. his grand kids.. He seemed to be positive - happy - upbeat... I truly enjoyed being in his presence... I believe he did not feel like something was missing from his life... He had a wonderful family - friends - a truly joyful life... He died doing what he loved to do - scuba diving in Mexico... But I can't help be sad that I won't see him when I go to Heaven.. I truly wish Heaven was obtained by good works because there would be so many more good people to celebrate with....

I guess the moral of this post is this: We cannot assume someone is a Christian because they are doing good things.. and the other side of the coin is that we cannot assume someone is not when they are doing rotten things.... We are human and I believe we have a great capacity to be good and evil... it's about the choices we make - on how to live our lives....

Heaven is only obtained by grace... Not by works.... I do wish there was an exception clause.....

Romans 11:6 And since it is through God's kindness, then it is not by their good works. For in that case, God's grace would not be what it really is--free and undeserved.

After 22 Plus Years of Marriage - It Died....

Over twenty-two years ago - we received a wedding gift.. It was a great wedding gift... A new refrigerator.... And after 22 plus years - It Died... It was getting old.. The doors stopped closing completely and the milk would go bad... The temperature gauge was at it's coldest and it still wasn't that cold... The poor thing was just pooped out... So good bye Mr. refrigerator... it's been a good 22 years...




And Hello New L O V E R.....

A Cat Hater... Converts...

Never in my wildest thoughts did I ever think I would want a cat... I have always been a dog person to the core... Man's best friend and all that.... But as I sit here typing this post - I have a warm, purring and completely content kitty resting on my chest.... and I blame my sister for this!!! She has two cats - that I completely fell in love with while visiting her last summer in Massachusetts and now less than two (2) months later - I am the proud mom/grandma depending if you talk to me or the kids to a 1/4 Maine Coon, 1/4 Egyptian Mau, and 1/2 American Shorthair kitten....

So if you mix a 1/4 Maine Coon - picture below


and a 1/4 Egyptian Mau - picture below


and 1/2 American Shorthair - picture below


You get this....





Isn't He the Cutest??

I Need To Love My Husband Today

A couple of years ago I made it a mission to fall in love with my husband... at the time - I did not like him very much.. To be honest, I believed I truly hated him... Hate is such a strong word isn't it? He would walk into the house from a week long business trip and I became like a cat when a dog came close.. - spitting - clawing - my back straight up.. you get the picture... What did he do? you may ask. Well the answer is nothing except that he walked into the house... He came into my territory and I was pissed...

I took the Love Dare challenge.. and after 40 days - I loved him... Not because he changed... It was because I learned how to love... I changed... I chose to love him.. and when I practiced love - a whole need world opened up to me.... I saw things in a better light... I found myself enjoying my spouse of 20 plus years... I found new joy in my teenagers... I also realized that I was more tolerant when they acted badly... The key was I had to lead my heart.. not follow it... I was feeling the love and wanted to spread it out...

One thing I have learned is this - loving unconditionally - takes work... It's not something that comes naturally to me.. and I'm guessing it is not something that is easy for many others... Loving my kids - super easy... Loving my husband - not so much.... Since I took the challenge of The Love Dare a few years back - I have hit some great peaks and some very low valleys... Valleys so low that I find it hard to believe that I would ever climb out.... I have to love regardless... I have to love whether someone deserves it or not... I know that I can be very unworthy of love and I am so thankful that despite of my numerous flaws... I am loved.... by a Great Father - the definition of Agape Love...

Today is one of those days - that I have to get into His Word... My tank has been empty for quite a while now and I have to fill it up... I need to step back - look in the mirror and ask myself... Have I been loving?? Have I been worthy of love myself?? I know the answer and it is 'No"...
I am really good at "To Do Lists" - without them I would be lost... so today... this week - my personal to do list is this...

1. I will pray for my husband and my kids.
2. I will give undeserved love to my husband because God has given me undeserved love
3. I will talk and not lecture today... tomorrow.. and the next day
4. I will honor my husband and give him my full attention when we speak to each other
5. I will greet my husband with a kiss...
6. I will cover my mouth - bite my tongue if needed to prevent myself from saying anything negative..
7. I will say and do only positive things today.. (one day at a time on this one)

So here it goes again... Why am I dead set on making my marriage work? Today - my answer is this... For my kids... They do not deserve to have parents that do not show love and respect to each other... My husband and I are the examples of the marriage that my girls will learn from and so far - I've been doing a pretty lousy job....

Showering With Love Notes...

Years ago I watched a movie called Pay It Forward... This movie introduced an amazing idea... The idea was to perform random acts of kindness for a complete strangers... Then the strangers who benefited from the kindness would pay it forward.. What an amazing world we would live in - if we all practiced kindness... I also watched another movie several years ago called The Miracle of the Cards. This particular movie was about a young boy with brain cancer who received millions of cards and letters - his spirits were lifted... A miracle did happen - the brain cancer went away.. This is a true story...





Many of you have followed my posts about a young 17 year old girl named Haley.. Haley is currently in the hospital after receiving a bone marrow transplant for a very rare disease that she has been suffering from - the disease is Myelodysplasia (MDS).. In order to receive the transplant, Haley had to undergo chemotherapy to rid her body of all her white cells... She received the transplant and almost immediately contracted a life threatening fungal infection in her lungs... Because her body could not fight the infection she was put on life support... The doctors hesitantly came up with the idea of transfusing Haley with donor white cells - this is a very time consuming process for the donor.. Word got out that Haley needed Type O white cells and God showed up and showed off... Friends - Family - Strangers jumped in their cars and headed to the hospital to donate... The blood bank was overwhelmed with people who wanted to save this young woman's life... The donations are working!!!!! She is now off life support... She is still very sick but she can breathe on her own and she is no longer in ICU.... The infection is still there and it is still very serious but it is improving.... and donors are still needed.... I have to tell you that - this infection was so serious that the doctors advised the family to say their goodbyes.... and now Haley is breathing... She is fighting.... There will NOT be any goodbyes....



Haley will be in the hospital for several more months.. She has to fight this infection and she has to wait for the bone marrow transplant to engraft and start to produce healthy blood cells... If you have stayed in a hospital for any length of time - you must know how long the days are... How boring they can be... Now imagine an active - athletic teenager - having to lie in bed - hour after hour.. day after day... month after month... She must be going absolutely nuts... Her spirit must be having major peaks and valleys... She has too much time to think.. too much time to ponder.. worry... She must feel so isolated.. So alone...

Wouldn't it be great to lift her spirits up? If you are interested in sending Haley a note/card/a drawing from your child - something that will make her smile - please email me at KMLDRL@Aol.com and I will forward you the mailing address.... I truly believe random acts of kindness makes our lives better..... and incredible things for others.. Won't you join me?

Panic Attacks Really Suck

"What do you have to be stressed about???: This question was sarcastically asked of me yesterday by my therapist... The same therapist who threw books at me a couple of weeks ago - trying to demonstrate that I suck at saying "No".... Trying to show me that I can not catch all the books at once - so why do I believe that I can do everything in life....

I started having panic attacks about six months ago... The first one hit me hard - I was working out at the club for about 40 minutes when all of a sudden out of no where - my heart rate started to go up and I felt claustrophobic.. At first I believed I was having a heart attack.. but because my daughter was with me I did not want to scare her - I sat down with my IPad and googled signs of a heart attack and realized that what I was having was a panic attack..

The attacks started when I was getting close to taking my broker exam... An exam that I had studied hard for... an exam that I did not want to fail because that would make me a failure. I have a vivid memory of sitting for this five (5) hour exam - looking at the questions and knowing the answers but my heart started to race and all of a sudden I was in the middle of another attack... I did not want to bring attention to myself... so I sat there.. I breathed in... I breathed out... I prayed to God to calm me... and after a few minutes - the fog that blinded my vision cleared and I was able to take the test... Which I passed..... This was last May...

Now the attacks hit me when I least expect it.... I could be driving and singing to the radio... or watching Grey's Anatomy on TV.. The point is the attacks are starting to happen when I'm feeling okay... "relaxed".. not worrying... So my therapist pricks my protective "I'm really okay balloon" with this statement... "When you're relaxed is when the stress.. fears.. and other worries hit you because your mind is open and clear of other immediate things that need to be done.... So I ask you again.... "What do you have to be stressed about.. What are you fearful of?"

I think being a mom can bring on unrealistic fears... I tend to be overprotective because of my fears... What am I fearful of? I'm really not sure... My fear does not have a face.. or a precise feeling or emotion - it's just there in the background... always there... always lurking... always holding me back... holding my kids back...

I know I am not alone - but at times - I do feel lonely by letting my fears rule my world...

My September 11, 2001 Memories

*photo from Yahoo news

When the attacks started very early that morning ten years ago - I was sleeping on the couch downstairs because my husband had been snoring extremely loud the night before.... I live on the west coast and was not awake when the first tower was hit.... My sister Tammy (she lived in New York at the time) called me right after the 2nd tower was hit and told me that our country was at war.... I rushed to turn the TV on and yelled upstairs to the hub to turn on his TV but he would not answer.. I walked to our bedroom and he was laying in bed staring at the TV in complete and utter disbelief....

I had been to Manhattan once before.. and I had no idea what the "Twin Towers" were.. nor did I know what The World Trade Center was... Heard of it - but did not know what it was... The only building I knew anything about was the Empire State Building - mostly because of King Kong and An Affair to Remember via Sleepless in Seattle.... But on September 11, 2001- I along with the entire world learned exactly what The World Trade Center was on that day....

My girls had just started school a couple of days before - I was debating whether I should go pick them up or not... My sister Debbie told me that her university where she works was getting multiple bomb threats.... The world was in chaos.. I stayed glued to the TV and watched both towers collapse... Watched the New York people run for their lives from the smoke and flying debris.. Reports of a plane crash in a field somewhere in Pennsylvania was reported... We did not learn of the heroes from that attack until later.... A plane went into the Pentagon - Washington DC was on high alert... Congress stood on the steps of Capitol Hill and sang 'God Bless America.


President Bush was visiting an elementary school somewhere in Florida - the camera was on him when a man whispered in his ear - I could see the distress on President Bush's face....


The two things I remember the most following the 9/11 attacks... One - Americans took pride in their nation -Flying from cars - houses - boats - stores - I could see Red, White, and Blue flags everywhere I went... The 2nd thing is the gas prices dropped to .89 cents a gallon... People were afraid to travel....

Our world changed that day ten years ago... Air travel will never be the same.... New catch phrases came into being.. War on Terror -Homeland Security.. And going into Disneyland has changed -there are purse searches..... Americans no longer feel safe from foreign attacks... We now know it can happen here... and that is a sad thing...

When I was in NYC in July there was a fire station around the corner from our hotel... The garage door to the station had a memorial to the men that particular station had lost on September 11, 2001.. Yesterday - I typed in a couple of the names in the 9/11 database and put a face to their names... I cried.... That alone brought 9/11 up close and personal to me.......
Firefighter Paul Gill - First name under Engine 54
Those are not just names on a garage door - they are heroes that must be remembered and respected...

My parents could remember what they were doing the day John F Kennedy was assassinated... and I will always remember what I was doing on 9/11/01....

What were you doing?

Mom and Daughters' Trip - Salem

Our East Coast Adventure had been spectacular thus far!!! We decided to take a day trip from Boston to Salem - I reserved a car at Hertz several months prior to our arrival and I have to say I was really mad that we had to wait over an hour for a car to arrive - apparently they had accidentally given our car away.... The upside was I got an upgrade with a GPS... the downside - I did not listen carefully enough and missed a turn -ended up in an underground tunnel under the ocean going in the opposite direction of our destination... To top things off - Massachusetts drivers are INSANE... Later someone told me that they call Mass. drivers "mASS Hole" drivers for a reason....

In Salem we had three (3) tours lined up - The first one 'Grave Matters' at 1:00, 'Witch Walk' at 3:00 and later in the evening - We had a paranormal ghost tour... Because our car was late getting to us AND I got lost - we were a few minutes late - thankfully - we were the only ones on the tour and all was good... except for the fact that the only reason we were alone was because Salem's temperatures hit the record for that day... 105 with 60% humidity... We were dying...

Grave Matters - a tour of the 2nd oldest graveyard in the nation - The tour showed us the different etchings and what they mean - We saw an original pilgrim's tombstone - a few of the witch trials judges...

2nd Oldest Graveyard in the Nation

A Mayflower Pilgrim's tombstone - the case around is to protect

Very cool tree in the graveyard

The Witch Walk - this tour showed us many of the locations relating to the Salem witch trials - this horrible injustice that took the lives of 19 innocent people.

The Witch House - Original home of Witch Trial Judge Jonathan Corwin

Nineteen innocent victims were killed - 18 hung - 1 pressed

We had some time to kill after our 2nd tour - It was so very hot outside so we had a very long lunch in a cold restaurant... Then went to a very cheesy wax museum - shopped a little - had some ice cream... The heat was also bad for the small town - several of the shops closed early... very early for a Friday...


Finally the time arrived for our paranormal ghost tour... Ghost tours in Salem is very big business... And it seemed ALL the tour guides hated our guide... Our guide was a self described ghost hunter and Voodoo practitioner ... She had been on several ghost hunting shows and was very arrogant - She was known to bash the other tours as fakes... She cracked me up.... She did take us to some places that even freaked her out - There was this one place The Joshua Ward House - that is supposedly the most haunted building in Salem - She said that she did an investigation there and put a tape recorder in the basement and recorded a voice saying "I want to keep you".. Another story about this building is that there was a real estate party and pictures were taken and one picture of a young woman realtor turned up to show a scary/creepy image in front of the woman - the woman was not seen in the photo... We saw copy of it- if it is a true photo - I would have been creeped out too...

Above is the Joshua Ward House - it is believed to be haunted by the Sheriff from the Witch Trials - he would take accused "witches" to his home and torture them to confess.. People have been pushed downstairs - Also - it is said that Giles Corey the man who was pressed to death haunts this location... The guide refused to get close to the building...

Above is the original Salem Jail - this place is supposedly extremely haunted - it was vacant for many years but was bought by a Boston company and has been converted into a restaurant and condos - if I remember right... Several prisoners were hanged in this building - where the kitchen is today...

Above is Howard Street Cemetery - this is right next to the old jail. This cemetery is reported to be haunted and many ghosts/orbs have been caught at dusk.. Giles Corey is supposed to haunt this cemetery as well as the Joshua Ward house.. Giles was crushed to death in the alley behind the cemetery...

Our drive back to Boston was not so bad - I wasn't in a hurry and the girls were a great help... The next morning we went on our final leg of this wonderful journey - We traveled to my sister's home..